How to Ruin a Relationship in Six Easy Steps

Editor's Note: These six items are offered from the perspective of a "cop couple."  Husband is a sworn officer and his wife is a counselor/therapist. These six items may not cause YOU any issue at all and are subjective to them.

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It takes time, effort and commitment to make a relationship work, as does having a successful career in law enforcement. It is challenging to balance healthy relationships with family, friends, and our significant other with the demands of an often difficult and stress-inducing job. Having counseled, taught, written for, and corresponded with a great many law enforcement officers and their partners over the years, we’ve learned a lot about what makes successful relationships work… and what gets in the way of success and satisfaction. 

There are countless books and articles you can find listing the “secrets to success” for relationships, written for a general audience by well-educated and renowned relationship experts (there is no shortage of poorly written, theoretically questionable quackery out there, as well, so vetting authors is important).  Most reputable clinicians and researchers will simply provide their unique twists and telling of the same knowledge base, and will even start referencing one another.  There is nothing wrong with that; what we do when writing for audiences in and attached to the law enforcement community is adapt what we know to be empirically sound source material to the specific LE audience, with our own experience, training, and backgrounds to personalize it. 

The problem with generalized “advice giving” when it comes to such specific audiences is that it cannot possibly know or address the unique challenges and behaviors that might get in the way of successfully putting good information into play. 

And so, having counseled, taught, written for, and corresponded with a great many law enforcement officers and their partners over the years, we have learned and observed a number of traits commonly complained about by the significant others of LEOs that not only stand in the way of successful relationships but actually endanger them by the alienation and resentment they cause. 

We’ll call this How to Ruin a Relationship in 6 Easy Steps:

Refuse to accept influence from your partner

You know yourself, you know what’s best, you know what you like and don’t like, and you know how best to run your household and life.  Why, you are a decision maker extraordinaire!  If you weren’t, would the state have given you a badge, gun, and the awesome powers that come with them?  You have a strong personality, sure, and maybe you can be a bit pushy and decisive about what you want and how to get it, but if she’d just understand you have everyone’s best interest at heart and really do know best and you’re really not a control freak…

…are you?

Strong personalities can easily overwhelm their more laid back partners.  Refusing to accept influence is a form of bullying that tells the person you (are supposed to) love that you and your wishes, opinions, and goals are what are really important.  It creates a safe cocoon but infantilizes adults. 

Instead, knowing and making room for what is important to others, allowing and inviting them to affect and change you without having to fight for ground is a crucial component of happy and successful couples. Looking to your partner for guidance and input, and welcoming their influence sends a strong message of love and respect, both of which are equally important for their self-esteem and sense of safety.

Be a cop all the time

Losing yourself in your work identity is all too easy; police officers see the world through a lens that changes perceptions and worldviews, take on a role and identity that is very unique and enticing, and are indoctrinated into an ethos that can sometimes leave little room for other roles.  The problem is that this simply isn’t healthy.

We came up with the company name More Than a Cop not because there is anything wrong with being a police officer or embracing that identity, but because we were starting to realize so many cops had taken on the identity so fully and exclusively, to their great detriment.  Being a well-rounded, fully realized person with interests and perspectives that transcend those limited to the job is not only healthier but actually makes you better and happier in the role of officer.

Act like a cop in the home

Command presence and a laser focus on officer safety skills are crucial on the street.  They are killers if you cannot let them go once you get home at the end of the day.

Being treated in the same frosty, slightly suspicious way you might maintain with total strangers is a common complaint of police spouses and kids.  Whether in the form of an edge you just can’t shake, an inability to let down your guard, or assuming an interrogatory style of communicating – all common and, unfortunately, normal byproducts of spending so much of your time deliberately honing them – making people feel like they are suspects in their own home leads to anger and rebellion.  Soften yourself for the place you absolutely don’t need to be hard. 

Do the “You’ll never truly understand me” routine

Ahhh, this one… Always a favorite for both establishing your “specialness” while subtly pushing away anyone who isn’t a cop (and therefore not as special as you!).  What this actually means is, “I don’t want to take the time to help you understand,” “I really LIKE feeling special and I have to keep the myth alive, so I’d better stay mysterious,” or some combo of the two.  It also tends to inure you to any viewpoint outside your own.

If this is you, please consider just knocking it off!  Holding onto and perpetuating the belief that you cannot truly be understood by anyone outside of the law enforcement fraternity, or that what you see and deal with would be just so overwhelming to the mere “civilians” in your life that you need to protect their delicate sensibilities, feels dismissive to those people who care for and love you, and who would be delighted to be more involved in understanding your world.  Of course, no one can completely understand it unless they’ve lived it, but even Mike, after 21 years cannot completely understand the life and work of a federal agent, small town cop, dispatcher, or police chief. 

Empathy doesn’t require a total grasp of every detail and experience but, unless you are open with your world, empathy will never have a chance. 

And while we’re on the topic of “specialness”… (and let the record show, this one is totally the cop half of the writing duo saying this)

Think about what holding tightly to the mythos of our “specialness” does to our partners who aren’t cops.  A lot of police spouses, and especially police wives, come to feel they can never live up to the specialness of their officer, the heroism innate to law enforcement, or their place not just occupationally but socially and even in the family.

But consider all the other everyday heroes; the doctors and nurses, teachers and coaches, trades and truck drivers, counselors, clergy, and creators, and absolutely everyone else who keep our society running and thriving.  Consider those taking care of the hurt, the sick, and the weak, teaching and raising the next generation, and making sure all the mechanics are in good working order.

Consider the impact of elevating your specialness while subtly minimizing the value of your partner’s work, whatever it is. 

We all bring specialized gifts and skills to the game and we should appreciate and admire all those offered by the non-LEOs as every bit as important as what we do, starting with the people closest to us. 

Make your spouse a “SWAT Widow”

“SWAT Widow” is a term Althea started using to describe police spouses whose officers not only bring to the relationship all the regular stressors of the job (irregular hours, shift work, holidays and special occasions spent at work instead of with the family) but add as many ancillary/specialty assignments to the mix as possible. 

High performance, high capacity, Type-A officers often have a tendency to seek a lot of these assignments, each of which requires frequent training, time away from both work and home, and plenty of “social networking” time for post-exercise decompression. 

Others may become heavily involved in the union, grab every possible overtime minute and hire back, or never say “No” to covering a colleague’s shift in a pinch. 

Be aware of how your time at work affects your tie – and relationships – at home and adjust accordingly. 

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Police officers relationships face enough regular stressors without the officers adding to them with these six common, but simple to combat, behaviors.