Globally, and especially nationally we are experiencing something unprecedented. History hasn’t prepared us for this, let alone anything in our own lived experience. I know I’m not alone when I say I could never in my wildest dreams, even with all the apocalyptic novels and movies out there, imagined what it would be like to live through a pandemic of this magnitude. Even 9/11, in my belief, doesn’t come close to comparing. Although we all saw what happened and had so many feelings, including grief, fear and empathy, very few of us were actually personally affected. One of my social work professors described the effect of tragedy with the term dosing. Just like with medication, everyone gets a specific dose. Those who are personally affected receive the highest dose. They were there. They lost a loved one. They saw, heard, smelled, touched and felt the event. Next are those who love the people with the highest dose. Then next are the community members. You can see the circle of dosing lowers as it expands out to those of us who watched the tragedy unfold through media, over and over and over. Those of us in public safety also have the added dose of responding and, in other locations, emergency preparation. We aren’t able to just sit back, hang out with family and watch Netflix. We have to get ready to handle the public effect of the tragedy. Our families have to prepare to support us and manage any effects that come home with our first responder.
Novel Coronavirus, COVID-19 has expanded this dosing and spread it across the world and into our homes. It’s as if 9/11 is happening in every locality. We are all affected. The concept of dosing still exists. People are dying. Healthcare professionals are on the front-line of trying to manage the symptoms knowing that the worst is still yet to come. First responders are doing emergency services not knowing if they are coming into contact with the disease and if they are bringing it home. Their families are wondering the same thing. Already understaffed, these first responders are being quarantined after exposure leaving even less bodies to handle the situation. Hoarding. States of emergency. Shelter-in-place orders. Travel bans. We’re living history right now. I could go on and on about the potential impacts, but I want to share my personal experience in the hope that it brings understanding and comfort to someone.
Going Home
On March 7th, I flew back to my hometown in Oregon. My NREMT recertification was due and I was headed back to my affiliated agency to get my psychomotor skills tested. Currently a graduate student at Arizona State, I was on spring break. News about COVID-19 was just beginning to move into our daily lives. We were keeping our eyes on the world and Washington State, but it really hadn’t affected us yet. In fact, we joked about it. One of our professors had the foresight to mention the potential impact and that ASU was prepared to go to on-line only classes if things progressed. I, for one, thought she was overreacting. I joked with a classmate about flying home and the exposure that might cause me. I wasn’t worried. Social media had started reporting on the sanitizer and toilet paper hoarding but I figured it was localized. I went to my grocery store and noticed the signs indicating limits on sanitation supplies, cold and cough medicine. I then went to the cleaning aisle to pick up some Clorox wipes for my trip. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to wipe down my airplane seat. It was probably covered with more than COVID-19 anyway. The shelves were bare. Not a can of Lysol or a pack of wipes in sight. Interesting, I thought and bought some multi-purpose disinfectant to soak paper towels in. I could carry those in a baggy. I also bagged up some toilet paper, just in case. Honestly, I didn’t think much about any of it. Even made a joke on social media.
Travel day came and I went to the airport. I wiped down my seat. Everything looked business as usual. Got on the plane, wiped down my area and enjoyed an easy, full flight. Once I got home, I went about my days visiting with family and friends, traveling around and completing my recert. During my time, my parents and I visited with my beloved grandfather who lives in the Oregon Veterans Home. It was a wonderful visit with lots of stories and laughter. We joked about how I was required to wear a mask because I had been at an airport in the last 7 days. I really appreciated how managers and staff had put diligent preventative measures in place. Unfortunately, a few days later, we were devastated to find out that a resident tested positive for COVID-19. In the coming days many more would test positive and an Oregon Health Authority task force was deployed to the home. This exposure and the increased information coming out about spread made me adjust my last day. I stayed at a hotel instead of in the home of my dear friends, both of which are in their 70s and one has respiratory compromise. Better safe than sorry. Boarding the plane home, I again wiped everything down. It was still a full flight. The older gentleman in the seat next to me asked if I happened to have extras. He was going to visit his daughter and her family. She had been upset when he said he wasn’t traveling with sanitizing wipes. I shared and gave him the rest when we landed.
Self-Quarantine and Being an LEOW
When I got home, health information led me to the decision to self-quarantine. I had been somewhere potentially exposing and had been traveling by air. By this time, store shelves were often empty, K-12 schools were closed and ASU had gone completely on-line through the end of the semester. I intern at a middle school and all I kept thinking about was the abrupt termination of my clients many who were already struggling with home issues, mental health and basic needs. My LEO husband added another component to the chaos. He was getting potentially exposed every call. The department had implemented a protocol where 9-1-1 screened callers for symptoms and the officers followed up with the questioning on scene. It seemed so inadequate but at least it was something. All I kept thinking about was, that’s all fine and dandy until you guys have to go hands on. Good luck with that social distancing thing then. I began day-dreaming of hitting him with a MK-9 of Lysol before he entered the house. Of course, we didn’t have any Lysol. We couldn’t find any. Days went by and he began coming home sharing other changes and the increase in domestic related calls. People were beginning to break down from the close confines. The added stress of uncertain economic times and sheer physical closeness was taking its toll. He also mentioned how they had been asked to update their emergency contacts because the possibility of 12 on 12 off emergency staffing was being considered.
Then, my grandfather died. Not of COVID-19; they said his test was negative. He had slipped and fractured his neck, eventually dying of the complications. The grief hit me hard. After I hung up with my mother, I cannon-balled into my still sleeping husband’s chest. He had only come off shift 4 hours prior. I sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. He just held me.
Why am I sharing all this personal information? Because I know I’m not alone in this intense feeling of grief, fear and uncertainty. We are stressed out on so many levels and having a hard time finding solid ground. Kids are home. Work has transitioned to home. Some of us have family staying with us. Others have family far away that we’re worried about. LEOs are out on the front-lines trying to protect and serve a public that is panicked and stressed out. They are also worried about exposure and infecting their families, but have no control over it. They have a job to do and our communities need them more now than ever. Last night was my husband’s first night back on shift and I’d been crying off and on all day, was overwhelmed and felt stressed and isolated. He wanted to stay home supporting me. But, we both knew he was needed more supporting his brothers and sisters in blue and the community. This is an all hands on deck situation and first responders have to make the choice between duty and family. As an LEOW, I support him choosing duty. There is such an unprecedented level of grief during this time in so many households. We have to figure out a new normal in a time of great uncertainty. This too shall pass. We will get this thing under control and it will be a bad memory in a history book. I hope that we will hold on to the positive things that have come from it: love, duty, social support, simplicity. It won’t be over tomorrow, or next week and I hate to say it but even next month. We haven’t seen the worst of it yet especially if the public refuses to follow the advice of the experts. Those of us in public safety households will have many more sacrifices to make. In the interim, I am trying to create a schedule for myself, stay active, be grateful, connect as much as I can and love on my LEO with all I have. I am grateful I am healthy and can do it. It may not seem like much but it is enough.
To all LEOs, stay safe. To all other LEOWs, be well, stay connected and love deeply.
Michelle Perin
Michelle Perin has been a freelance writer since 2000. In December 2010, she earned her Master’s degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice from Indiana State University.
