It's so exciting to see more and more public safety partners banding together, starting blogs, hosting get-togethers and talking about the uniqueness of being married to someone in emergency services. Spouses of law enforcement offices (LEOWs), in particular are showing up and speaking out in support of their partners and other LEO couples. There is so much strength in sharing our stories, learning from each other and just saying, "Hey, we're out here and this life can be so darn hard." Reading the posts always gets me thinking about my own relationship with my LEO, as well as his relationship with me, as we're a two public safety household. What do we do to mitigate the challenges this brings to our marriage? Here are a few of those areas.
Zero Tolerance for Mistakes
As a medic, I work in a world that has very little tolerance for mistakes. We have a protocol for everything from how many milligrams per kilogram of medication to give to how to do a head to toe trauma assessment. We practice, practice, practice until the skill becomes muscle memory and reduces the impact of chaos on our ability to do it and do it right. My husband works in the same world. If he makes a mistake, misjudges a person's actions or isn't thinking one minute ahead, he could get himself or someone else seriously injured or killed. This zero tolerance zone is where each of us spends 40 or more hours a week and it can't help but influence how we interact in our marriage. That's why it's so importance for us to cultivate forgiveness. We make mistakes. We say things we regret. We act in unkind ways. We do or don't do something we should to support our partner. We may put on the mantle of super hero out on the street, but at home that red, white and blue spandex lies crumpled up in the laundry room by the vest carrier and cargo pants. Getting rid of the idea that either of us is perfect and won't make a mistake opens a space for us to be human in all it's frailty and fallibility. It creates more compassion and support. It's okay to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness. In fact, it's crucial to a healthy marriage.
Drop the Body Armor
Like allowing space for the inevitable mistakes, standing in front of our partner without armor is hard. Not having that protection around our soft insides goes against everything we learn in training and everything we do on a daily basis. Like mistakes, vulnerability can mean death. But, when we shut our front door behind us, drop the uniform and wash off the trauma of our work day, we are in a safe place (if you are not please reach out for support). We are with the one person who wants to see harm come to us even less than we do ourselves. We also do not want to see harm come to them. Even so, it is hard to put down the sword and drop those defenses. Many times, our defense mechanisms preclude even our work in public safety and are deeply ingrained. We are not at war with each other and to be able to communicate effectively, we cannot come to each other armored up. When we stand with each other in vulnerability, we strengthen our marriage because we are saying to each other, "I trust you with my soft spots." "I trust you will not hurt me." "I trust you."
Go Out of Service, For Real
Life is overwhelmingly serious most of the time especially when one or more partners work in public safety. A simple, "How was your day," at my dinner table can create a video in my head complete with: suicidal twelve year old, hypothermic homeless man, angry meth user, infected abscess, lonely eighty year old whose wife just died. Because our work is so serious and we want our home to be a sanctuary, my husband and I have a ten minute rule. We can each talk shop for ten minutes. This doesn't include those times where we need a validating, comforting debrief for the really tough calls or the calls that are just sticking in our craw for some reason. We hold space for that. But, the war stories? We both listen to people talking about their chaos for up to a twelve hour shift. It's not helpful to continue the trend of listening to each other talk about other people's chaos when we get home.
EVOC and Range Time
There are activities in our work that are just super fun. It feels more like playing than working. My husband and I incorporate that same fun time into our home life. It can be anything from movie night, complete with popcorn and peanut M&Ms to a hike on desert trails to going to a show to flipping through home decor magazines looking at items we could never afford (and probably really wouldn't want anyway.) Again, we work in a serious field, so we need to make sure we're remembering that the world is a fun place and we are a part of it. We don't have to exist in just the seedy, dark underbelly of society all the time. Put on some fancy clothes or some ripped up jeans and a t-shirt and join the world of the living often and fully.
I wouldn't change who I'm married to for the world. Protecting and serving is a part of who he is not just the job he chooses to do. For me, comforting and healing is how I live my life and I will work in a way that allows me to do this until my last breath. It's not just what we do, it's who we are. So, our marriage has to allow space for the unique challenges this brings. We both must be aware of the baggage, both good and bad it brings to the table. With this awareness and the willingness to put in the effort, we can keep clearing the table for years to come.
