A Partner's Influence: At Work AND At Home

A couple sits in their counselor’s office, across the room from the therapist and at opposite ends of a long sofa, each leaning slightly away from the other.  While they both make regular and steady eye contact with the therapist, arguing their position and seeking – craving – affirmation and alliance, it’s hard to remember the last time they really looked at each other in a session, let alone held hands, laughed together, talked to rather than about or at one another, joined in the simplest solidarity, or offered any kind of empathy or even understanding for what the other had to say  They’ve been coming now for several weeks, hashing and rehashing the same arguments and complaints over and over – sure, stories change and each week it’s something slightly different, but themes remain the same – and the wife’s hope for reconciliation and renewal is gone, replaced by cynical acceptance and something new… the announcement she’s leaving.

The theme never changed.  Through eight years of marriage, the ship’s helm was firmly in his hand: when he got fed up at work he quit suddenly and without discussion, leaving her to support them both while he took ten months to “find himself”; when he decided it was time to move back to Illinois to be closer to his family, they moved, and never mind her career aspirations and family connections in eastern Pennsylvania; when he unilaterally decided it was time to invest (read: flush down the crapper) $35,000 of their savings in a tech venture that was clearly two years obsolete before ever stumbling out of the gate and immediately dying on the track despite her pleas not to (did she mention she has an MBA from Wharton – WHARTON! – and was a financial analyst advising tech startups back in Philadelphia?); and his sudden pouting insistence their six year old start Catholic CCD classes to appease his mother, despite his own avowed agnosticism and agreement she could raise him in her Jewish faith. 

And those were just the big things! Through eight years of marriage they drove the cars he liked, took the vacations he wanted, bought the draughty fixer-upper he dreamed of restoring (despite having virtually no time and fewer skills), and filled their together time with the things he liked to do (her interests were “boring” and, on the handful of occasions he agreed to indulge her, left him fidgeting and sighing like a hipster- bearded (don’t get her started), 5’10” nine year old).

Through eight years of marriage, the ship’s helm was firmly in his hand, and, if he had ever really respected her input or feelings, she couldn’t remember. 

She.

Is.

Done!

____________

All couples experience relational strain from time to time, no matter how successful and committed, but there are a number of predictors that offer insight into the strength and viability of the relationship and whether it will survive long term.  As therapists working with couples will tell you, one of the most reliable predictors of whether the relationship will ultimately succeed or fail is how well the partners are able to accept influence from one another.  The above vignette is a fictionalized anecdote representing an all-too-common theme encountered in marital/couples therapy, where one half of a couple assumes a dominant role in the relationship, deflecting, ignoring, or demeaning the other’s attempts to share influence and power. 

The vital importance of accepting influence from our partners has been demonstrated by Drs John and Julie Gottman, through their life’s work at the Gottman Institute where they use empirical research to study, understand, and ultimately help improve relationships, and has been a valuable resource for us as we work with and write on relationship issues.  Simply put, accepting your partner’s influence means to allow them to affect and change you without having to force positive changes to happen. Knowing what is important to your spouse and letting it affect in a way that something within you changes to accommodate their needs and desires is a critical adaptation for successfully working as part of a couple.  Seeking and accepting counsel from each other when facing a decision or challenge shows respect and appreciation for what each person brings to the relationship, their gifts, skills, and insights. Allowing your horizons to be broadened by joining in the things your spouse enjoys and values demonstrates both love and a willingness for personal growth.  And demonstrating your own willingness to accept influence increases the likelihood yours will be accepted in turn, and that conflicts will be met and resolved with empathy and understanding rather than confrontation and defensiveness. 

However, many of us refuse to join with our partners in their hobbies, interests, pursuits, and passions, even while insisting they get on board with ours.  Others refuse to trust their counsel or direction – even if they have objectively greater expertise or skill in an area! – out of pride, role rigidity, sexism, or sometimes personal contempt.  If a couple does not accept influence from one another it is nearly inevitable they will grow apart from not having any common interests in matters of the first case, or foment resentment in the second. 

Of particular concern is how prevalent the tendency to not accept influence is, particularly among men.  The Gottman’s research indicates that up to 65% of men – nearly two in three – are incapable of readily accepting influence from their partners in relationships (from Couples Therapy, Inc; June 10, 2016), and these are most typically in heterosexual relationships.  Note the qualifier “readily.”  Accepting influence is not impossible for most men, but it is difficult and requires effort and self-training to overcome the natural tendency most have toward seeking independence, autonomy, and power.  Those who are successful in typical heterosexual relationships, where both partners find true satisfaction and fulfillment rather than simply “lasting,” are able to overcome their natural roadblocks to accepting influence.

This, therefore, is directed at our male readers.  In successful heterosexual couples, women wield significant influence with their men, and the men accept and welcome influence from their women. Failing or refusing to accept influence from women leaves them feeling disrespected and eventually disengaged. A lot of men are quite comfortable with an arrangement where they hold the power, making decisions without hindrance or needing to weigh other points-of-view, but this leads to trouble; a long-term study by the Gottmans of newlywed couples – mostly heterosexual – revealed that:

…even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages, and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.     - The Gottman Institute, Manage Conflict, Part 2, April 29,2015

To get comfortable with accepting influence and sharing power need not feel emasculating or an abdication of all autonomy and independence, however;

Gottman explains that he is not advocating that men surrender their power wholesale, it is more about expanding a quality of permeability. Husbands can learn to accept a relational norm that their wives will seek to exert influence, and do not expect resistance in using influence from their spouse. This free flow of power is a trait found in the most stable and robust of marriages.    - from Couples Therapy, Inc, June 10, 2016

Accepting influence from our partners – allowing them to direct the direction, activities, and flow of the relationship – can be difficult, particularly for men.  Working at and allowing it to happen is key to success in a relationship.  This is particularly true for cops, who are used to being in charge, driven and confident, and not shy about expressing what they want in life and relationships.  Are you able to accept influence?  If not, try it and see if your relationship doesn’t go to new and better places.