I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
- Lyrics from “Demons,” by Imagine Dragons
An interesting online conversation arose not long ago, in response to an article by another popular police writer whose article on the subject had posted on Facebook, about just how much police officers should reveal to their spouses/partners about the job, all it truly entails, what they see, and even how it affects them. This is a not uncommon theme in many relationships, where the police officer half chooses to hide, withhold, or downplay what goes on at work, the calls they answer, the sights they see, and the world as viewed through a cop’s eyes. It’s also, it turns out, often a major point of contention between officer and spouse/partner that can lead to serious relational issues and breakdown.
What was most interesting was the disparity between the opinions of those who wear the badge and their partners at home; almost overwhelmingly, the cops who posted wrote of how they preferred to reveal little of what went on at work and how they viewed it as “protecting” their partners from the realities of the job and “what really goes on in the world.” (or some variation of the theme) The partners of the cops (generally wives, but also long-term girlfriends) had a different take; they were frustrated or hurt by the secrecy and marginalization of both their feelings and ability to handle even hard truths about the world that they may not otherwise have to deal with. In general, the cops who commented were male, their “partner-of-cops” counterparts female (perhaps husbands/partners of female officers do not share the same experience or biases?), but there was a definite split along gender lines.
This “sheltering” of significant others, as well as other family members and friends, seems rooted in genuine concern for their well-being and happiness. The officers who prefer to “protect” their loved ones from the ugliness that fills so much of the world may be well-intentioned and sincere. But are they really helping? Is what they project as protectiveness truly helpful, necessary, or even welcomed? Or are they actually hurting their relationships and the people they claim they want to protect?
An essential component of lasting relationships is openness and allowing each other emotional access to what makes you tick, your experiences, and how they move you. For most of us, and especially for police officers, our chosen careers are defining characteristics and a source of not just pride but how our personalities and worldview are shaped. That so many officers are reluctant (or even refuse) to share this part of themselves, where they spend so much time and energy, is a common complaint of their significant others, and can lead to diminished intimacy in relationships.
The most common excuse for withholding information is a desire to “protect” loved ones from the evil and ugly things of the world. While this sounds noble (we guess) it fails on a couple levels:
First, it’s more than a little infantilizing. While detailed “blow-by-blows” of the bar fight you waded into, or the minutia of the suicide scene you processed, are rarely wanted or necessary, that you had to deal with such events are. Most people are quite interested in the lives of their loved ones away from home or shared experiences and feel connected through sharing those outside experiences. For the police spouse/partner, knowing and coming to understand the work life that is such an essential part of who you are is generally highly desired; to shut them out of the opportunity “for their own good” leads to sadness, worry, and even resentment.
Second, it diminishes intimacy. Having walls between you placed unilaterally and against their will tells them you don’t trust their ability to handle information, confers upon them an inferior status and level of maturity (“I can handle this stuff but trust me, it’s just too much for lesser mortals… like yourself”), and says you want to keep secrets. All of these harm the emotional and intellectual intimacy a couple needs to survive.
Instead of making a one-sided decision to “protect” your significant other, ask them if and what they want to know. Let the decision be theirs, as well as if there are any limits they want placed on how, when, or how much information they feel they want or can handle, and trust them. Maintaining an open dialogue about the job, its stresses, and how it affects you is good for both your own emotional health and the health of your relationships.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
It’s true that police work can fundamentally change a person. Seeing the full and often ugly range of behavior human beings are capable of can breed cynicism toward, and distrust of, the motivations that drive them. It can kill idealism, leaving behind anger, frustration, disgust, and defeatism. At worst, it can push good people to dark places and actions, unleashing our own demons with destructive results.
When cops sense their own demons the natural response is often shame, fear, and a desperation to hide them instead of admit how they are being affected. Rather than opening and acknowledging what is going on, they push away and instinctively build walls around the source of their pain.
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
But building walls only worsens the problems. Rather than walling off the demons and creating safety for you and those around you, it is isolating. Being able to verbally process with others – and especially those people with whom we most love and trust – the things that anger, frustrate, and scare us helps to the emotions they stir up, gives perspective, and offers a safe haven to recharge. Not processing or sharing allows them to stew and gain power over us.
By sharing the job and allowing your significant other to grow in knowledge of it and how it affects us can be a great bulwark against the negative effects so many cops face, and builds the type of intimacy that can help your relationship flourish.
Michael Wasilewski
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
Althea Olson
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
