5 Steps to Improve Your Relationship Now

When a relationship is in dire straits, couples often seek out the assistance of a licensed professional therapist who can help them put the pieces back together.  By the time a couple makes it into the counselor’s office for their first appointment the relationship generally feels like it is beyond repair and, for many, this is their last ditch effort to see if they can make it work.  The first couple sessions are generally the hardest for both the couple and the therapist because each person in the room has an agenda.  The wounded parties want to air their hurts and have the counselor agree with how their partner is the one at fault for the troubles in the relationship; when we are in pain our natural tendency is often to blame the circumstance or another person.  The therapist has the agenda of remaining neutral and refocusing the wounded person back to themselves, for a relationship will only heal if each person can take ownership of what they have done to cause damage and then make the necessary behavior changes to begin righting their own wrongs.  However, if one person is stuck in thinking they are the victim and are justified in how they are hurting their spouse while still blaming them, this behavior and way of thinking will be what destroys the relationship.

The concept of taking ownership of being wrong goes against the grain for most people.  Add into the mix of being a police family and the dynamic is even more challenging.  Who likes to show vulnerability?  If you do that on the street someone could get hurt or killed.  It goes against every defense tactic.  And when you interrogate someone it’s crucial to have the upper hand and, if necessary, find and exploit that person’s weakness.  But when fighting to win an argument or dominate your “opponent” in a relationship you will ultimately lose, as feelings of love will eventually be replaced by bitterness, anger, and resentment.  The skills that make a relationship work are the exact opposite of what is acceptable and needed on the job.

The next agenda item for the therapist is to redirect the couple on forward movement rather than staying on their long laundry lists of how they’ve been hurt by their partner.  Most couples come in with the belief they need to discuss every little detail and incident that has happened in order to move forward.  That by continuing to discuss these items there will be a lightbulb moment where their partner agrees with them, the heavens will open up, there will be closure, and the relationship is instantly repaired.  The reality is that before the couple has ever entered the counselor’s office they have usually over-talked each issue beyond its limit.  There is very little truth to be found in rehashing – again – what has happened so the hurt continues to grow, as well as the pointless justification as to “why I am right and you are wrong.”  By this point a whole lot of talking and arguing has taken place with no resolution found, no forgiveness granted, and only magnification of hurts resulting.

As the saying goes… “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”  This is why one of the counselor’s first jobs is to gain forward movement by breaking dysfunctional patterns, habits, and ruts.  Staying in the same behaviors that have failed the relationship is insanity but adding new functional behaviors is the key to forward movement and healing.  It’s not staying focused on the hurts, anger, betrayal, bitterness, and resentment.  Research has shown that the development of positive behaviors that form new and positive memories is the starting point for healing the deep tears in a relationship.  It is actually how we heal the brain’s amygdala, where fears from relational hurts and trauma originate.  So there is a science behind this forward movement, not just opinion.  And as evidence-based researcher Dr. David Burns, one of the founders of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) out of Stanford University, has said: “Put the good behaviors into place and then the good feelings will follow.”  It has been scientifically tested and supported that focusing on the solution, rather than the problem, is the key to not only emotional health, but the health of a strong committed relationship.

With that in mind – focusing on adding new behaviors to replace the old so a relationship can heal – we offer 5 behaviors you can implement today to begin healing a relationship, or to make a good relationship even better.

Positive Texting

According to Erin Leyba, LCSW, Ph.D., in her recent article appearing in Psychology Today, “5 Texts You Should Send Your Partner Every Day,” researchers found texting can either harm or grow a relationship.  Many couples today use texting to argue and fight, but we strongly encourage those conversations only be done face-to-face because the written word is easily taken out of context without body language and voice tone inflections.  Arguing through texts will escalate a conflict very quickly.  Instead, through your texts express a compliment, a thank you, a fond memory, a curious question (such as, “If you could go on any vacation, regardless of money or time, where would you go?” to prompt fun conversation and engagement), or sharing a positive about your day.  With this in mind, commit to sending your partner five positive texts per day.  Research done by Dr. John Gottman has indicated couples who are flourishing demonstrate a 5:1 positive to negative communication ratio (i.e. there are five positive statements made for) every negative.  Conversely, his research has shown couples heading toward divorce have an 8:1 ratio (eight negative statements to every positive).  So start texting and watch how your partner begins to respond to you.

Say “YES”

When presented with a new idea or experience, especially if it is something that we find boring, out of the box, uncomfortable, or maybe just plain stupid, the first response for many is to say “No” and then to follow it up with why you’re not going to do it.  When you partner hears repetitive no’s from you they hear you do not value them or care about their interests and hobbies.  They begin to experience your “no” as criticism, which will eventually translate into the feeling they don’t matter to you.  When someone feels this, they begin to walk away.  Imagine if instead of hearing no they hear the word “Yes”.  This simple word will translate into your partner feeling loved and valued.  So begin saying “Yes” more and “No” less, be willing to try the new and unusual and uncomfortable, and see how it affects your relationship.

Do the Opposite

Another evidence based therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), teaches an important skill to regulate emotions is to do the opposite behavior of our first instinct, because the first instinct of persons experiencing dysfunction is generally the wrong one.  Believe it or not, our deeply ingrained instincts often fail us.  So if your first instinct is to yell, instead do the opposite, speak kinder, softer, and slower.  Or, if you find that you are more prone to criticize someone issue them praise instead.  Identify the behaviors that are destroying your relationship and begin doing the opposite today.  Change in your attitude toward your partner will improve as well as their response to you.

Date Nights

Quality of time comes from quantity of time and fond memories begin to take the place of bleeding wounds.  It’s is how a relationship heals.  So put a date night on your calendar today that is something you have never done before and commit to doing this every week.  The endless hours of TV and movies does not a fond memory make, but the first time going sledding or playing tennis will add humor and fondness.

Seek Feedback

Pastor Bill Hybels in his book “Fit to Be Tied” talks about a time his marriage was in trouble because he was neglecting his wife.  He was more focused on his job and his family was getting his leftovers, which were substandard.  They were getting a tired and irritable Bill while his congregants were getting his best self.  He was able to justify putting his marriage on the back burner because, after all, he was doing “God’s work.”  It was when he began to realize his home life was suffering he decided to regularly check in with his wife, Lynne, and ask, “How am I doing as a husband?”  Being able to hear and accept where he was falling short, and then making the effort to change it and put wife and family first, was key to building and keeping a long, happy marriage.

Police officers often use a similar justification for putting their job first over their partner.  Relationships and family life suffer because, after all, the entire fabric of society would rend if you didn’t give your all to the job, right? 

Yeah… probably not. 

Be willing to ask, “How am I doing as a husband/wife/partner/parent?”  Then, be willing to hear sometimes hard answers, follow up with, “How can I do better?” and take steps to be better.

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Relationships can be hard work but sometimes the best ways to improve them are surprisingly simple.  Try these five suggestions with an open mind and willing heart and see if your relationships don’t improve right away.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/joyful-parenting/201512/5-texts-you-should-send-your-partner-every-day