Working families face many pressures on a daily basis. Make one or both parents a police officer and the issues can increase even more. Stress builds up as the members plod through the daily grind of trying to coordinate schedules, balance duties and still find time to keep the house and their relationships from falling into shambles. Dealing with the inconveniences of shift work, long hours and court appearances, adds to the already daunting task of trying to keep a household running smoothly. Although spending more time together is on the top of most couples' wish list, it's these moments which have the potential to cause the greatest amount of stress, especially when children are thrown in the mix.
The Arsenic Hour
Originally used to describe the period of time in the afternoon after parents arrive home from work and before dinner is served, the arsenic hour denotes any extremely hectic period of the day, especially involving young children. In I Love a Cop, Ellen Kirschman describes it as a time, "when everyone has needs, and no one has anything to give." Often this occurs when a couple has each spent the day working hard, only to get home and find there are still dozens of needs to be met. Kids need help with homework. The dog needs to be fed and walked. Dinner has to be made. The arsenic hour is associated with chaos. Bill Lohmann describes in "Arsenic Hour":
The oldest child has a million questions and an attitude. The middle child needs a hand in the bathroom. The baby wakes up cranky from his afternoon nap. Then he poops. The dog, who has some issues of his own to work out, has decided to pick this particular moment to have a meltdown. He starts scratching the paint off the door and then begins barking as if a serial killer is in the house. Simultaneously, the cat relieves itself in an unauthorized location.
Now add to this, one of the spouses has just left the scene of a multiple fatality accident and he walks in the door to have a screaming child shoved into his arms. The hander of the child is the frazzled mother who is relieved to have a few moments to herself to maybe - I don't know - use the bathroom.
Or, here is another common police family scenario:
It's the morning rush. The kids have to be out the door in 15 minutes and the youngest forgot to give you school forms which have to be filled in RIGHT NOW. You're trying to finish getting dressed without getting the kids' lunch of peanut butter and jelly on your blouse and the oldest won't get out of the bathroom. Your spouse walks in the door tired from the commute only to be barraged with information which needs to be figured out before he goes to sleep. While trying to answer the questions and pack the kids into the car, both of you are wondering why you can't have just fifteen minutes of quiet time to say hello and maybe steal a kiss or two.
These chaotic times in police families highlight the importance of being able to balance work and family life. Sure there will be stressful times, but the key to handling them and maintaining a relative amount of happiness in the home is being aware and prepared.
Problems are Relative
I admit it is hard to compare the stress of the daily interactions between mine and my husband's job. I might have to deal with a less-than-articulate source for an article while making wild hand gestures at the boys when they walk in the door so they know I am on an interview and not to start arguing with each other right next to me about who ate the last pop tart for breakfast, but my spouse potentially had a night full of humans behaving at their worst. He could have been in a fight, or he could have been bored out of his mind waiting for something - anything - to happen. With this in mind, we have to recognize problems are relative. Maybe my irritation over his forgetting to take the trash out may seem trivial compared to what he had witnessed out on the street. What is important is each of us needs to understand where the other is coming from and be empathetic. When we do this, some of those chaotic moments aren't made worse by our inability to see eye to eye about what actually is important.
Communicate
Relationships can be made and broken by the couple's ability to communicate. With the struggles thrown into family life by police work, being able to talk and listen to one another is essential. For example, the arsenic hour can be made more tolerable if both of you know what the other one generally needs. When my husband comes home after working third shift he likes to have 30 minutes to relax. He just wants to veg for a bit. If it's a school day, he enjoys helping get the boys ready and off to school. I'm blessed with a job where I can work at home, so when he gets back, we can spend a little time talking. He shares some about his night and I share what my plans are for my work day. If he needs more time to decompress or some alone time, he knows he can ask for it and if possible I'll happily grant it. Like most things in relationships, it's hardly ever 50/50, but sometimes 20/80 or 70/30. The important thing is we know we can ask each other for what we need. This didn't always come naturally. Often I found it was easier to sit and stew about how "deprived" I was and why couldn't my husband just know what I needed? He often found me hard to approach because I was so busy. With some help from outside resources we were able to find the common ground and our tongues.
Family life is never easy. But with understanding, a tight grip on your spouse's hand and maybe a touch of humor the journey can be a little easier and a lot more pleasant.
