"Honey, I'm going to be on," my husband said plopping down on the couch remote in hand. Flipping to the news channel, I remember thinking, "I hope he isn't doing anything weird." Unfortunately, this "what will the neighbors think" mentality is the result of a negative aspect of police work and being part of a police family: public scrutiny. "If it were not such an invasion of privacy, it would be almost comical to think how police officers are treated like public property," Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D., author of I Love a Cop says. I've heard frustrated officers talk about how they can't go out for a drink without people talking about it. One distraught LEO lamented how the media made a spectacle out of her daughter's suicide due to her mother's occupation implying she should have been a better parent. A situation in my past also landed the media on my doorstep trying to get the scoop on a situation involving a police family.
Higher Standards
Police officers are held to a standard much higher than the general public. They are expected to have meticulous morals and always behave in an honorable fashion - on and off-duty. Unlike most occupations, if an officer is involved in any kind of situation whether good or bad, nine times out of ten what he or she does for a living is mentioned. Have you ever heard a story with the headline "Computer Programmer involved in domestic dispute with wife"? In most situations, the person is the focus of the incident, but like officers themselves, members of the community have a hard time separating the person from the profession.
Like their LEO, police families deal with public scrutiny at levels higher than other people. "Police families live in the same limelight cops do," Kirschman explains. "As a family member or friend, you may feel like an unpaid representative of the police department." You have to deal with the myriad of questions about how you handle the prospect of your spouse being killed, as well as, many outings being disrupted by an acquaintance who wants to turn the bar-b-que into a legal discussion about why they were given a speeding ticket. I don't know how many times I've been asked, "Isn't your husband a police officer?" or had someone tell the group, "You'd better watch what you say; she's married to a cop." Every time I wonder, "What does that have to do with anything?" But, it comes with the territory.
Spouses aren't the only family members whose lives are altered by the law enforcement profession. "Your children will also take the heat for being part of a police family," Kirschman says. "They may be held to a higher standard and told that, as police officers' children, they should be better behaved than other kids." Being the cop's kid isn't easy especially during teenage years when authority is being tested. Your children often end up being the representative of The Man and have to prove themselves in ways that could be unhealthy. Parents need to keep in mind the struggles children of LEOs will face and openly communicate about how to handle them. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away, but facing it head-on as a family will make each member stronger.
One of the most intrusive parts of public scrutiny occurs when an officer or a family members does something wrong, such as being arrested for DUI. "Normal failings are not easily tolerated for police or preachers' families," Kirschman explains. "Police families often feel pressed to behave discreetly, to have no conflicts, and to avoid any ostentatious behavior or conspicuous consumption that would raise questions about corruption." Although everyone should avoid behaving in a fashion destructive to self or others, having your spouse's occupation brought up as an important issue adds insult to injury.
Rural and Small Town Officers
Although all officers deal with public scrutiny, LEOs working in small towns and rural areas can feel the sting of it more strongly due to the density of acquaintanceship. Density of acquaintanceship describes the extent of familiarity between people in a community. In Crime and Policing in Rural and Small-Town America Weisheit, Falcone and Wells explain, "Community demands also make it difficult for officers to separate their professional and personal roles." Even if you're enjoying a summer evening sipping lemonade on your front porch with your wife, you are still the village officer. In some places, officer's homes are their offices with logos displayed prominently outside the door. Often neighborhood conflicts end up at the officer's house with the parties involved expecting help. This puts a strain on the officer, as well as, the family members.
Participation in social events is restricted due to community members viewing them as on-duty 24 hours a day. Officers and their families are unable to develop personal identities away from the job. Often officers go to the next town to enjoy an evening out due to scrutiny and to control any rumors their conduct might begin. "The pressure is especially great on police families in small, rural communities, where they know everyone and everyone knows them," Kirschman says. "It is hard to stand in the checkout line at the supermarket next to a person your mate has just arrested. It's even harder when cops have to arrest someone they have known all their lives."
Although it is irritating to think your conduct is being scrutinized not only by virtue of you as a person but under the microscope of your spouse's occupation, it is a fact of life for every LEO family member. Kirschman provides several tips for coping:
- Learn to deal in advance with intrusive or critical comments about police officers.
- Let your children know when they are meeting your standards for good behavior and school performance.
- Overreacting and defensiveness will usually add to the problem, not resolve it.
Being a police officer is hard work and so is being a family member. Just remember you are all in it together and it is JUST an occupation.
