From “Every Forty Seconds” – by Patrick Roche
In 2014 the World Health Organization released a report stating that at least 800,000 people commit suicide every year That averages to one person every forty seconds Statistically speaking, by the end of this poem four people will have taken their lives
One - This is not a list poem This is a eulogy for those swallowed by their own mind This is a call to arms, a call to speak This is not family gatherings when I mention mental health And then told not to spoil the turkey That it is uncouth Impolite That it is better to stay silent This is taking that silence and then breaking it with my hands With my teeth and tongue This is people with mental illness banging our heads against the walls Not out of insanity But to try to make some noise To be heard Too often we are ashamed Too often we are in the shadows
Two - Suicide is not always a banshee wailing against your eardrums It is the child playing hide and seek behind your friend's smile They will not wear it openly They will not hold its hand and introduce it to you It is always invisible Suicide is a lonely ghost desperate to give itself playmates It is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem These are so rarely temporary problem It is aiming for a long night's sleep After years of insomnia It is a seduction of safety and simplicity Sometimes it is careful planning Drafting the note Inspecting the apartment for beams that can support your weight Or it is a flip switch Given the right trigger Or no trigger at all It is painting a target on the highway divider It is imagining the phone call my mother will get in the middle of a nap Sometimes it is sudden It is not always arriving
Three - The most convenient time of the clock keeps ticking Every forty seconds This is not a list poem This is the tea kettle rising to a soprano screech But you keep ignoring it to watch T.V. It keeps whistling and crying But you keep ignoring it How much noise do I have to make When we tell you that we are suicidal It is a cry for help But that's not a sign of weakness This is not a sign of weakness This is saying that we're fighting and we've been fighting with every weapon and fist we have We've crashed against the cliffside Broken and splintered But we're still fighting with whatever we can I'm using my voice That's all I have left
Four - Over the years I have written different versions of my suicide note On the nights I almost took my life I always deleted or threw away the note Rather than sending it or leaving it for someone I assumed the words would just make them uncomfortable If I'm going to die Better to do it without all that fuss Better to do it in silence Hundreds and thousands of people are dying in silence And because of silence This is not a list poem This is saying we can keep each other breathing This is speaking louder than the stigma and hoping someone will listen
*****
Three on-duty suicides of Chicago police officers in two months, with two since Labor Day, have left members of the department and public stunned. Questions of the police job’s impact on emotional health, how best to serve and protect those who serve and protect, and the challenge of the enduring stigma that surrounds mental illness and the discussion of suicidal thoughts or depression are being revisited. Despite a general lessening of the stigma as people – including high profile and admired individuals, and even fellow officers in the law enforcement profession – have become more open about their own struggles, it is clear more needs to be done.
Growing awareness and understanding of the stresses policing creates has led to the “Stuff It Down and Tough It Out” approach to normal emotional responses to abnormal situations waning with the realization it simply doesn’t work, and increased empathy for those outside the profession who suffer from emotional and psychological troubles has emerged. To some extent awareness of suicide and ideation among fellow officers, increased response to and responsibility for mental health calls among the public, and improved education about what it all means has increased empathy decreased stigma among modern cops – for others. When the ideation is our own, or when we fear mental illness is invading our own worlds, do we extend the same empathy and understanding to ourselves?
Working through Troubling Thoughts
The unfortunate truth is that admitting — even to ourselves – such occasional thoughts still carries a heavy stigma. We fear the consequences it may bring: being thought crazy or weak, that others will see us as untrustworthy, the loss of respect and responsibility, or that others belief in our ability to function on the job will be compromised.
Understanding how common such thoughts are, and that most who occasionally experience them will never act on them, opens the door to discussing when the stressors become too much. Fantasies of self-annihilation or no longer existing are generally fleeting but can become overwhelming. When they overwhelm is when they are dangerous; unless there is an acceptance of the mild or occasional thoughts, fears, or depression – and a normalizing of them without fear or judgment – more troublesome or traumatic thoughts and preoccupations have no baseline to be judged against, nor are the skills developed to successfully meet and overcome them.
Learning to accept, experience, and work through troubling thoughts is an important skill to develop and inoculates against self-harm. Understanding that law enforcement officers are not immune to the social and biological factors that lead to any of the depressive disorders helps, as well as how lethal cops are when they try; there may not be a higher rate of depression among cops than the general public, but when they do decide to kill themselves they seem much more decisive and effective than most non-LEOs.
We’ve written often about the shift work, long and unpredictable hours, and working weekends and holidays can lead to isolation from family, friends and outside social supports for many cops. Cops often develop poor sleeping and eating habits and are exposed to increased and repeated stress, the effects of which are exacerbated by poor sleeping and eating habits. Over time, the subtle physical changes these seemingly minor physiological disturbances introduce can upset the delicate biological balances regulating mental health. There is ample research showing how the law enforcement lifestyle can be detrimental on multiple levels.
Cops get a front-row seat to the human drama which, while frequently fascinating, can eventually grind the idealism out of young officers and allow a fatalistic cynicism to grow in its place. When all of these pressures become too much and depression sets in a danger zone is entered.
Recognizing Depression
A few of the most common and recognizable signs are:
• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
• Diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities you normally enjoy
• Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
• Noticeable irritability and being easily frustrated
• Feeling overwhelmed and with increased anxiety
One of the simplest diagnostic tools we can use is a single, pointed question:
“Are you having more bad days than good?
Recognizing your own depression, or that of a colleague, friend or relative, or member of the public you serve, is an important step in successful intervention. Asking questions of yourself and others can be the first step to heading off trouble before it overwhelms and becomes life threatening.
September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Cops are very often the first responders when someone believes life holds no more promise, the ones to respond when a friend or family member finds a loved one has lost the battle with depression and hopelessness, and, too often, susceptible to that same depression and hopelessness. Let suicide prevention awareness start within and grow outward, and let’s all take care of ourselves and each other to prevent and reduce the preventable tragedy of suicide.
