I don't play the game of golf. In fact, the last time my clubs were out of the basement was over 20 years ago. While I was playing or attempting a reasonable facsimile thereof, two thoughts came to me:
- I really didn't like myself while I was playing golf. More accurately, let's say that I didn't like the way I behaved when I was playing golf. My vocabulary took on proportions that simply were not becoming to my profession.
- To play the game of golf well, one has to play it frequently. I realized that I did not have the time, energy, interest, or money to play golf as often as I needed to play the game well. So, I put my clubs in the basement and ended up selling them in a garage sale a few years ago.
June is the month during which we observe Father's Day. My suspicion is that, as with many chaplains, so it is with male law enforcement personnel: we find it difficult to be good fathers. Interestingly enough, Father's Day is the one day of the year on which the most collect phone calls are made. What does that tell us? In this month's column, I'd like to propose some of my mulligans of fatherhood.
I have been a father for 26 years. How I wish that I could have done things differently! At the outset, I acknowledge that many in the law enforcement community are women. I offer my apologies with a promise to do better the next time I am able to write a column for Officer.com. Still, if there is anything pertinent or of value in this column for women as well as men, I'll be grateful.
The first mulligan I would take is that I would have been much more intentional about being open with our sons concerning my faith and my values. We live in a culture that mitigates this. The prevailing message we get is, "As long as you believe something, it's all right." Or, "I don't have any right to impose my values upon someone else." Quite frankly, I don't buy it. One of our principal responsibilities as fathers is to discipline our children, teach our children and show them "the way." One of the simple axioms of life is this: we cannot give our children what we ourselves do not possess. Build your own faith, convictions and values and then pass them along to your children.
Another mulligan I wish I would have is to have spent more time with my children. I ask that you indulge me for a moment. A while back, as I was preparing to go on a three month sabbatical, I confessed to my wife and congregation that a major anxiety revolved around how things would function in my absence. Because I am the founding pastor of the congregation I serve, I often think of the church as the fourth child in our family. When I told my wife this, her response was: "That's not true. The church has always been the first and most important child in our family." Could it be for you as it has been for me? As you look back, have you spent more time with responsibilities of your law enforcement agency than with your family? Has your agency assumed "first child" or "only child" status? If so, it's not too late to make changes.
My last mulligan would be to build up our children at every opportunity I have. I cringe when I think of the times that I lost my patience, said something unkind, or let anger get the upper hand and I made a biting, sarcastic comment. One incident is illustrative of too many. I was with our youngest son at a water park near home. We had a great day but, at the end of the day, he saw a bee and started over-reacting (or so I thought.) I called him a name that, in a moment, took all the joy we shared out of the day and I could tell by the look he gave me that he was wounded to the core. While I can apologize and make amends, I'll never be able to remove the hurt that that thoughtless comment caused.
To tell the truth, the game of life is much different than the game of golf. In life, there are no mulligans. You cannot undo what has been done. But the capacity for change, as difficult as it is, still will be there. Forgiveness is possible, and a new, better way holds promise. To all my friends in the law enforcement community, Happy Father's Day!
