A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away, I was taught by a host of instructors at the police academy to never say "I'm sorry" to anyone while working the street. To do so would be a sign of weakness and someone might try to leverage that apparent weakness into control of the situation. Several years later, I was told it was okay to "apologize for having inconvenienced them" if the person being dealt with wasn't the person of interest in a given situation. This happens a lot in areas where (as an example) a great many American-Italian boys between the ages of 13 and 16 who all dress similarly like to hang out. The police are looking for such a boy and they end up interviewing several. Apparently, it was okay to apologize for inconveniencing them because we had interrupted their day.
Being a few years older now, and with forty years of police experience, I have to ask a question: what does it hurt if we say, "I'm sorry?"
Yes, I understand that, under some circumstances, this may be showing a sign of weakness. For instance, if you're on a call and the guy you're dealing with is just being a jerk - it might be a natural reaction to apologize for some action you've taken, or something you've said, simply because he's complained about it. Saying, "I'm sorry" is an easy thing to do to calm him down... make him feel a little better... improve his mood. I can see where it's a bad move in this instance, for several reasons.
1) We, as police officers, pretty much are always trying to calm someone down. We don't need to do this by apologizing for an action that was correct, or anything that we said (as long as it was correct and presented professionally) just to appease them.
2) Making him feel better isn't our issue. Resolving whatever problem exists and enforcing the law as necessary is our issue. How he feels is his issue.
3) Ditto. His mood isn't our problem unless we perceive it as threatening to ourselves, innocents or the guy in a bad mood.
Then again, is there an appropriate time to say, "I'm sorry"? I've been on plenty of calls where the person I was dealing with didn't have a problem with me, but was angry, frustrated, tired, stressed, etc. Saying "I'm sorry you're having a bad day" expressed some level of sympathy for them - and sometimes that helped. Not all the time, but I'll take what I can get. It never seemed to hurt.
I've investigated "crimes" where reality was just a misunderstanding. In some instances, I've apologized for someone else's stupidity. I went on a call to a hardware store where the manager was holding a shoplifting suspect. The man - a black male in his late fifties / early sixties - was fit, polite, dressed for construction type work, and clean shaven. He had been shopping at the hardware store, without a basket or cart, carrying things as he went. One item he picked up was a drill bit that he had dropped into the chest pocket of his shirt. He certainly wasn't hiding it as it was sticking out almost two inches. At the register, the cashier didn't say anything when the man failed to put the drill bit down on the counter. The cashier admitted to seeing it and not saying anything. The manager waited until the man had paid for all the other items - almost $100 worth of products - and let him go out the front door before confronting him over the less-than-two-dollar drill bit. Do you think this was a misunderstanding? A small mistake? I thought so. The man turned out to be an honorably discharged service veteran with his service coin in his pocket. When everything was sorted out, I had no problem apologizing to him for:
- the manager's aggressive attitude (he was being a real jerk)
- the cashier's stupidity (why didn't he say something?)
- the time we had taken out of this guy's day (unnecessarily in my opinion)
- any inconvenience we had caused in his work schedule
He was a cool guy. He paid for the drill bit. He apologized to the manager for the misunderstanding. He apologized to me for having interrupted my day. I thanked him for his service to our country.
So, I go back to my question: Was I wrong to apologize to him for the four items listed above? I don't think so, But I've had other officers tell me that nothing required me to give him an apology and in doing so I showed weakness. I understand Officer Survival concerns, but if this guy is no threat at all - why worry about it?
Simple courtesy and human decency may require you, at some point in your career, to say, "I'm sorry" to a citizen. As long as you're not decreasing your state of Officer Survival... as long as you're not increasing your risk level... go ahead and say it. It won't hurt you. It may humanize you some in the eyes of the people you're dealing with and in some situations that's definitely not a bad thing. We police officers have tried to be RoboCop for so long - coldly professional - that we've distanced ourselves from large portions of the public we serve. Yes, some of them deserve nothing more than cold professionalism. But some of them appreciate a flesh-and-blood human cop. Flesh-and-blood human cops make mistakes. It's only natural. We're human. Saying "I'm sorry" when you've made a mistake is what we were nearly all raised to do.
Yeah. I know it's more complicated than that. We can't admit fault. We might be inviting lawsuits. Use your common sense. Obviously, there are times to keep your mouth shut. Others, it'll really make your day easier to say, "I'm sorry" and move on. Try it sometime.
Lt. Frank Borelli (ret), Editorial Director | Editorial Director
Lt. Frank Borelli is the Editorial Director for the Officer Media Group. Frank brings 20+ years of writing and editing experience in addition to 40 years of law enforcement operations, administration and training experience to the team.
Frank has had numerous books published which are available on Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com, and other major retail outlets.
If you have any comments or questions, you can contact him via email at [email protected].
