It is well known among marriage counselors that when most couples enter marriage counseling it is too late.
By the time they finally make the appointment, generally one of the two has already decided they are done and have been for a long time, and what they really need is for the marriage therapist to help facilitate the process of ending the relationship with dignity.
The other person in the relationship generally believes they are there to fix the relationship, to put it back together and to restore it an earlier place. They also believe they have been blindsided and that this came out of nowhere, but this is usually not the case.
By the time a couple enters one of our offices, Mike & I can assess the relationship problems that have been longstanding, often festering for years, but that neglect of the relationship has become accepted, customary, and sometimes even the desired state – at least for one half of the couple – as the relationship dies a slow, withering death.
Signs of a Dying Relationship between Couples
I mentioned how one half the couple often feels blindsided? It’s usually not so much they were blind as their eyes were simply closed or looking away. Dying relationships give off signs, and you only need one of these dynamics for a relationship to fail so, if you have more than one, quite a lot of work will be needed to restore the relationship:
· Business Meeting Interactions – Life naturally becomes busy with demanding shift work, court time, specialty unit call-outs due to something going sideways such as a hostage situation or over-time, family obligations, taking care of a home, paying bills, etc.…. that conversations begin to shift into business meetings instead of a social interaction. Couples stop asking questions of each other with the simplest simply being, “How are you doing?” and really stopping to listen to the answer. Instead of talking about themselves they hash over tasks, vent about their days, or spin down the endless conversation hole of “What do you want to have for dinner?.... I dunno, what do YOU want to eat?.... I don’t care, YOU choose….” Ugh. When you notice your conversations have morphed into a business meeting, consider that a first sign your relationship is being neglected and even heading for failure if not addressed.
· Criticism outweighs positive interactions – Listen to how you speak to your partner. Do you find fault with them? Offer unsolicited advice? Tell them how they do things wrong such as nitpicking how they drive, fold a towel, do laundry, or grocery shop? Are you critical? If you were to tally how many negative statements you make to your partner, do they outweigh positive statements and compliments? Research by John Gottman, Ph.D. has shown couples who are heading toward ending their relationship will show a dynamic of 8 negative statements to each single positive. So where do you fall in this ratio? Are you building your partner up or tearing them down? Building into their self-esteem creates emotional safety. Criticizing constantly just makes us an asshole, and who wants to be in bed with that person every night?
· Blaming your partner vs taking ownership of our own failures – As therapists who provide marriage counseling, one thing we look for to see if the relationship has hope is if both people on the couch can take ownership for their part in causing the breakdown of the relationship. If both people have insight into their behaviors and how they affect another, there can be forward movement. Even the most devastating, brutal hurts can be healed and reconciled, love can be restored and rebuilt, if both take ownership for their failures. However, if one person is glued to blaming the other person and cannot move past how the other person has hurt them, the relationship will fail. It takes two to make the relationship work, but only one to choose failure. Focusing on only on what the other person does wrong without personal ownership of your own contributions mires you in the blame game, and no one wins but the divorce attorneys’ BMW dealers.
· Failure to become one – This concept belongs to marriages and goes beyond being a simple partnership. It is the ability to mold yourselves into a functioning union that puts each other first in all areas of life. It’s the ability to put each other before the job, kids, family of origins, hobbies, our phones, and especially ourselves at times. By the time a couple enters one of our offices, the spouse who is hurting and dissatisfied feels so far down their partner’s priority list they have lost themselves for lack of marital identity in the relationship, so they opt to reclaim one singly. The spouse who is most hurt will often report they have to compete with their spouse’s phone – or job, or friends, or family, or any number of other interests – for attention and they feel neglected. When a spouse feels like you are more respectful of others or an electronic they will not believe you love or respect them and the relationship is doomed.
· Defensiveness, Justification, and Rationalization – When a relationship is failing or on its way to parting ways, simple conversation is lost. Instead of being able to talk about issues with compassion, respect, and a willingness to own your own part and then make needed changes, one or both partners insists on defending their behavior and choices, offers justification and why the other “just shouldn’t feel that way”, or otherwise rationalizes how they’ve behaved and intend to hold onto the status quo. The problem with the DJR triad isn’t the fights or stonewalling it engenders, it is how they tell your partner, “Your feelings simply don’t matter to me, and it’s YOU who needs to accept me as I am.” This is guaranteed to breed resentment.
Relationships generally die a slow death. The issues and warning signs exist months or years before it gets to a point where one person decides it’s more painful to be together than apart. Noticing the drift or symptoms of a failed relationship is key and the first step in saving it. Once the drift becomes the norm, it is often too late. All cops understand that, on the job and on the street, “Complacency Kills.” This holds true to relationships as well.
