In our last article (“Coupling Up for Young Cops: Questions and Challenges”) we looked at why most people will eventually seek to couple in relationships, and why making those relationships work is so hard. A large, new wave of young officers are hitting the streets, with many more needed and yet to be hired as a sizable generation of cops hired in the early to mid-1990s are beginning to move on, and most will experience the challenges of forming relationships and trying to make them work while building a career in law enforcement. Knowing the tricks and secrets of experienced relationship experts before problems arise can help avoid pain and destruction after.
Dr John Gottman and his wife, Dr Julia Schwartz Gottman, are both clinical psychologists and researchers who have devoted their careers to studying relationships and the predictive factors of marital success and failure. Together they founded The Gottman Institute and developed the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, the go-to method for many successful couple’s therapists. John Gottman’s bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, defines what successful couples do, and to what all should probably aspire, to increase the likelihood of relationship success. We’ve taken Gottman’s seven principles below, with special focus on how they might be applied by law enforcement officers.
1. Enhance your love maps According to Gottman, successful and happy couples have “a richly detailed love map — my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” They pay attention to the details of each other’s lives, likes, dislikes, beliefs, dreams, etc, and share their own. We can all be self-absorbed at times, but constructing and paying attention to this “love map” keeps us attuned to each other.
Police officers tend to be outwardly focused on service to others and community, their brothers and sisters in blue, and on being part of something bigger than themselves. Although this is, at least on the surface, the opposite of self-absorption, it can leave little in the tank for their partners and those closest to them. We often turn inward to recharge, being selective self-absorbed, and leave our partners feeling less important than the job, random strangers, and our own priorities.
Put your partner first! Construct a detailed love map of your partner first, and then pull it out often! The career is important, sure, but it is just a slice of our lives and the people we love will (hopefully) be around long after the job is but a memory, so prioritize carefully.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration Successful and happy couples respect and like each other, focusing on what they appreciate and admire over that they may wish was different. According to Gottman, fondness and admiration are such important factors in a satisfying and long-term relationship that their absence dooms it.
Some police officers (not you, of course, but some…) can be critical, occasionally rigid, and sharply focused. When these traits are brought home they are a recipe for disaster. Focus instead on what first attracted you, the traits you learned to admire, and the best your partner brings to the table. Put emphasis on what makes you proud of them and all you appreciate, and frequently let them know. Putting words to your thoughts solidifies them in your mind and heart.
3. Turn toward each other always According to Gottman, real romance “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” Romance lives in the small everyday gestures we make to take care of each other, to show concern and appreciation, and to give our time when time is in short supply. Turning toward each other is what makes deposits in our “emotional banks” that will sustain the relationship through rough times.
Police spouses often complain their officer gives so much to the community, the department, and their colleagues, they have little left over for them at the end of the day. Make sure that every day you draw Stay attuned to their needs, and prioritize the necessary deposits to their emotional bank.
And don’t discount the gift of asking for help. They want to be there for you, to take care of you, and to be needed by you.
4. Accept influence from your partner Accepting influence is what takes a relationship into a true partnership. In accepting influence, not only do we show respect, trust, and humility, we allow for our own growth and improvement because we add their strengths and value to our decision-making.
Cops tend to be proudly independent, self-motivated, and highly confident in their own judgment and intuitive sense, quickly assessing complex situations and making high stakes decisions. This is great until we begin to discount or ignore the judgment and opinions of our partners. Instead, don’t merely accept influence, seek it out! Welcome their expertise and ideas, and let yourself be shaped by them.
5. Solve the conflicts that can be solved (and learn which ones can’t be) The Gottmans distinguish between two types of marital conflicts: those that can be resolved, and those that cannot. Conventional wisdom tells us that all problems are fixable and all issues must be resolved in order for couples to be happy, but the truth is some are simply obstinate and will never be resolved; continuously trying to fix the unfixable only gets in the way of satisfaction and forward movement.
6. Overcome gridlock Getting stuck on the intractable, perpetual problems is what the Gottmans call gridlock, with the goal for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” According to John Gottman, “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other” and a primary goal of happy couples is to help each other realize their dreams, and key to overcoming gridlock is opening a dialogue about what goal or dream is feeling thwarted to create the conflict, and either finding a solution to or making peace with the problem. Although this may not resolve the problem, it can, as Gottman says, “declaw” it so it becomes less a source of pain.
7. Create shared meaning Marriage and relationship is about moving our focus “from Me to We”, creating our own rituals, goals, dreams, and culture rather than dragging our partner into what we were before. It is about creating a shared meaning for our lives and finding agreed purpose that solidifies the relationship and our place in it.
Being in law enforcement offers great meaning and focus to life. Being in a long-term relationship should, as well. Focus on creating personal, away-from-the-job goals, dreams, rituals, and a family culture that defines your shared meaning. Think in terms of not only “who am I as a cop?” but also “who are we as a couple?” Law enforcement can become all-consuming if you let it, but letting it isn’t healthy for either you or your career.
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We highly recommend the works and research of John and Julie Gottman, their videos, and articles coming from The Gottman Institute. What we’ve done here merely scratches the surface.
You may have noticed we haven’t yet commented on “solv(ing) the problems that can be solved” and “overcom(ing) gridlock.” This is deliberate. Overcoming gridlock to solve problems is a serious issue we deal with when working with couples in therapy, and worthy of its own focused article in the future.
In the meantime, self-awareness of your own – and the law enforcement profession’s – traits that may stand in the way of relationship success is crucial. A concerted effort to compensate for them goes far.
