Brightest Lights During The Darkest Times, Part 3

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article isn’t being written, or even approached, with journalistic structure or professionalism in mind. The topic is suicide: awareness and (hopefully) avoidance or reduction. The statistics and data listed are gleaned from various sources and listed at the end. The rest of this is the result of input and comment from family, friends and coworkers along with a huge subjective filter that runs from my brain to my fingers – with a detour through my heart. It’s my hope – throughout the process of researching, gathering comments, collating and writing all of this – that it has some positive impact on the readers. I hate to think it, but some of the readers may be in a dark place and contemplating suicide to resolve their problem(s). Other readers may know someone who is thinking about committing suicide (statistically speaking, that’s almost guaranteed).  HOPEFULLY, some of this… any part of it, will help.  Last item: Some of this, because so much of it is just my articulated outlook, might aggravate you, anger you or insult you. None of that is my intent and I beg you to continue reading past anything that you don’t like to see if I suitably explain myself.

Part One: Background

Part Two: Suicide in the United States

Part Three: Bright Lights in the Darkest Times

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Bright Lights in the Darkest Times

In response to my email request, after all the joking alcohol replies, the number one reason to smile I got back from people was family. Whether it was in the form of their children, grandchildren, spouse, cousins, grandparents, etc., the answer was loud and clear. “My family is my number one blessing and any time I’m feeling down I simply go and enjoy them.”  “My main and number one blessing is my children.” “The light in my life, when everything else seems down, are my boys!”

Those are a few examples of the “family” responses I received. Those were from folks who still have a lot of life left to live; folks primarily in their 30s and 40s. Then there was this one from a gentleman in his 60s: “I guess for me, family is what makes me happy and keeps such negative thought from entering my mind.” Prior to that statement, he’d commented that he’s lived a beautiful life and considers himself very lucky. Like me, he doesn’t understand how those who are feeling down can’t find SOMETHING in their life to make it worthwhile.

As a sort of extension of the “family” response was the “my pets” response. “When I’m having a bad day all it takes is my dog to turn it around, or at least to make me feel better.” “At least I have my health, a family and my animals that love me.” I once heard heaven described as, “the place where when you go there, every dog you’ve ever owned is waiting for you.” Knowing how happy our dog is to see me when I get home always puts a smile on my face. As one reader asked, “Why you committed suicide might be explained to people, but your animals will never understand it. They’ll just miss you and their quality of life will be reduced.”

I find it interesting that only one response cited faith or religion as helpful, and one other essentially cited philosophy. “I won’t cite scripture here but there are countless verses in regards to finding the positive side of life, overcoming depression, addictions, life struggles, diseases, etc.  I know that you may or may not share the same faith, but faith in general has to be one of the absolute best avenues for a person going through hard times to explore.” Faith brings a lot of people through hard times and it should. If your faith doesn’t support you through hard times, it’s either insufficient or misguided. While I’m not an overly religious person myself (I believe there’s a difference between spiritual and religious), I do see the wisdom in the Serenity Prayer. For those of you not familiar, here ya’ go:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

That first line – whether you are praying, addressing your thoughts to God, or not… that first line is a lesson that many of us still need to learn and remember: to accept with serenity the things we cannot change. “With serenity” means without worry; without stress; without fret. It means to accept these things in an emotionally calm and mentally peaceful fashion. If we could all learn and remember that ONE lesson, the need for blood pressure medication in the United States would drop 90% (I’m guessing) and alcohol sales would drop pretty steeply as well (also guessing).

And then, “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that hard times are part of life’s equation, just like the good times, and sometimes the bad times seem to outweigh all the good memories. When I find myself in trying times, I tell myself “This too shall pass,” as I pump myself up that it’s ‘only a moment in time’ and it will get better. Everything that happens, good or bad, there’s a lesson involved.”

That is simply an outlook; a philosophy of life; a way of looking at things and seeing them as not so bad as they might originally seem. One of my favorite sayings is, “Without the bad times we’d have no appreciation for the good times.” Opposing conditions definitely help us to appreciate whichever side is more preferable. If we didn’t know pain, could we appreciate pleasure? If we didn’t know hunger, could we appreciate a good meal? If we didn’t know thirst, could we appreciate a drink? If we never grew tired, would we ever enjoy a good night’s sleep? Odd questions, yes, but demonstrative. The philosophical question is, does one have to experience loss and suffering to appreciate blessings?  Yes… and no.

Sometimes appreciating something beautiful is simply a matter of taking the moment to do so; of teaching yourself to appreciate that beauty and acknowledge it in your day. Sometimes, being positive really is just a matter of outlook and choice. Not all the times… but sometimes.

Surprisingly to me, music was another often repeated answer as to what will cheer a person up. I guess this makes sense. I know I have a bunch of favorite songs that just hearing them will brighten my day. I’ve pondered this and decided it’s because of what that song connects to for me. Was it the song my wife and I first danced to at our wedding reception? Was it the song being played in a movie when humans kicked the crap out of invading aliens? Is it a song that makes me think of my kids playing in mud puddles when they were of an age to do so? The music may not necessarily brighten my day, but the memories and attached feelings can be inspired by the music I hear.

For all of that, one response was quite interesting to me: “I've always looked at life different than my peers. I don't find solace in a religion, children or family. I find comfort in experiencing life through the lens of science and mathematics, asking questions and finding wonderment in the way everything fits together.” The part of that statement that really catches my attention is “…finding wonderment in the way…”  Finding wonderment. Dictionary.com defines wonderment as “a cause or occasion of wonder.” It defines wonder as “to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe.” What better to help improve your mood or distract you from negativity than to be filled with admiration, amazement or awe?  That’s cool even if you’re having a great day!

Interestingly enough, “outlook” or “attitude” were often cited as what was most in need of adjustment if someone was feeling depressed. Setting aside the reality of imbalanced brain chemistry, it really can be as simple as deciding to look at things differently and not being so down. Most of my coworkers, after asking me what kind of day I’m having, have heard me reply, “Well, no one is trying to shoot me or stab me today, so it’s a good day.”  While that may seem a silly response, after over thirty years in law enforcement, and having had days where someone did try to shoot me or stab me, it’s a pretty simple thing to say and think. I’ve had days that were a lot worse. That makes today a better day by comparison.

Now I’ll share two last thoughts with you that will also hopefully help if you’re ever having a bad day:

First: “Remember that your survival rate for bad days so far is 100%.” I shared that about two months ago with a friend who was going through a messy divorce and devastated by it. Just a couple weeks ago I saw him and asked him how things were going. His response was a big smile and a heartfelt, “Thank you!” He told me that every time he started to really feel down, he’d remind himself of that one simple truth and convince himself that he could easily keep that streak going. So far, his rate for surviving bad days is 100%. He doesn’t want that to change.

Second, when I was an 18 year old recruit in Army basic training, I remember standing in formation on a cold miserable rainy day in Alabama in late October. The Drill Sergeant heard all of us moaning and complaining and said, “Quit your bitching! You all woke up above dirt! You’re looking down at the daisies instead of up at their roots! So grab the day by the throat and make it yours!” What another amazingly simple outlook. I woke up alive instead of dead – which is the other option – so I should make the most of the day; whether the day likes it or not!

I share that… all of the foregoing… with you all in the hopes that it will be helpful to you when you’re not having a good day, or that you can share it with someone you know when they’re not having a good day. The obvious desired end result is to help people cope with a bad day or an ugly challenge so that rather than every considering the possibility of ending their own life, they live on to beat whatever is challenging them and move forward to accomplish goals they may not have even contemplated yet.

Thank you for your time in reading all that. Remember: you woke up above dirt; no one is trying to shoot or stab you today; you have had worse days before so by comparison today is an easy day! Make it the best day you can.