Grief Never Takes a Holiday

On August 30, 2002, the San Diego Sheriff’s Department suffered a terrible and senseless loss. The department issued the following statement: “We are sad to announce the tragic deaths of Encinitas Patrol Deputy Scott Noll, his wife Laurali also of the Encinitas Patrol Station, and their two young children, Ashley 7 years old and 5 years old Brandon.” The Noll Family was returning from a family vacation at Lake Havasu, Arizona when an out of control semi-truck crossed the center line striking two other vehicles before colliding with the Noll's vehicle. There were six fatalities.  Lab results on the driver of the semi-truck and trailer later showed the presence of methamphetamine.

Scott had recently completed the SED SWAT Academy where he had earned the nickname "Rock" by his SED Teammates for being a solid guy. He was assigned to the Special Response Team (SRT) and was recently appointed Training Officer for the Encinitas Station.

I had worked with Scott on the overlap shift.  He was a hell of guy, seriously, with energy and humor to be envied. The tragedy profoundly affected everyone who knew he and his wife. The winter holidays that year at the station were filled with grief. Scott’s family brought in food for the holiday potlucks; they also bought the station a television so the patrol deputies could catch the football games during report writing in honor of Scott’s love of the NFL.  Honestly, those gestures made a huge difference to all of us. It was like he was still there, when he wasn’t.

The Truth About Grief

Grief is a universal and unavoidable aspect of life; at some point, everyone grieves. It is also a normal and healthy reaction that occurs when you lose someone or something important. Emotional reactions of grief can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, confusion, inability to concentrate, numbness, difficulty making decisions, nightmares, irritability, apathy, loss of self-esteem and despair. Physical reactions of grief can include crying, shortness of breath, muscle weakness, tightness in the throat and chest, digestive problems, dry mouth, feelings of emptiness, disorientation, sensitivity to noise, change in sleeping and eating patterns, an inability to swallow, or illness. Although it is possible to delay or postpone grieving, it is not possible to avoid grieving altogether. Grief knows no timeline, but the feelings will subside over time. Everyone grieves differently, support is extremely important during the acute grieving process.

As an officer, you know this all too well. You witness grief daily. When an officer is killed in the line of duty, no matter where in the country, all officers grieve. As of 12/9/16, 139 law enforcement officers have been killed in 2016, of those 63 have been shot dead. As a profession, the Thin Blue Line’s losses this year, are staggering, unacceptable, and heartbreaking.

Grief Doesn’t Stop or End Because of The Holidays

Holidays can be a wonderful time of year. Commonly, this is a time to gather and celebrate with family and friends. For many it is a season of festivities, blessings, wonder, hope and joy. However, for others, it is a time of profound sadness, loneliness, fear, anguish and grief.

Holidays often magnify the grief experience; feelings are more tender and the pain seems more real. As the holidays approach, those who have experienced a loss may be dreading the experience. If the grief is new, the holidays can be excruciating. For someone who has experienced the death of a loved one, the twinkling lights, well-meaning holiday greetings, and the smell of gingerbread men remind them of what they don’t have this holiday season. Additionally, the emotions and physical reactions that accompany grief may affect them more strongly than anticipated

Working the Holidays

Calls that on any other given day, would be traumatic enough, can be magnified to overwhelming proportions when they occur on holidays that are supposed to be filled with giving, happiness and joy. Even though officers see tragedies many times in a career; there is something inherently heart wrenching when they occur at a time associated with family and celebration. Additionally, officers may be reminded of critical incidents from previous calls that come flooding back during this season; the sixteen-year-old who committed suicide, the toddler who drowned in the family pool, the wife of the fatal traffic collision victim, a brutal domestic violence assault, etc.

12 Tips for Coping with Holiday Grief

There is no right or wrong way to handle the season or any day. When someone is grieving, it is important that they find ways to care for themselves as well as learn how to ask for support. These tips are for those who have lost a loved one through death. They can be modified and related to other losses, such as the loss of a relationship. The following guidelines may help a grieving individual with the holidays. Some may wish to follow family traditions to help keep the memories of their loved ones alive.

1. Plan as to where and how you will spend your time during the holidays. Plan to be with the people you enjoy, doing activities you like. Consider making some changes to traditions, even if they feel uncomfortable; change the menu, eat out, take a vacation, open gifts at a different time or at a different location. This may prevent old memories from opening new wounds.
2. Be careful not to isolate yourself before, during or after the holidays. Take any offered support from your friends and family.
3. Redefine your holiday expectations and re-examine your priorities. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Decide what you can comfortably handle, and let your friends and family know. Don't over burden yourself with too many chores. Ask yourself if you really enjoy decorating, sending out cards, baking, etc. If the answer is "no," ask someone to share the tasks with you, or just skip them this year.
4. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. It is natural to feel sadness and lonely when you reflect on your loss. If you feel an urge to cry, go ahead, tears can be very healing. If you feel like screaming, that can be therapeutic too. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with someone you feel close to. When you are especially missing your loved one, call a family member or dear friend and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some of their memories with you. The need for support is often greater during holidays. If someone wants to comfort you, let them. Some people need to feel they are helping in some way.
5. Do something for others; donate a gift in memory of your loved one, volunteer at a shelter, help a needy family, bake cookies for residents in a nursing home, ring bells for the Salvation Army, help a neighbor with his decorations.
6. If you do decide to do holiday shopping, consolidate your effort. Shop online or through catalogs. If you do go to stores, go during off-hours, make a list and only buy the items on it. Or, give out IOUs and do the shopping when you feel more comfortable. Buy yourself a special gift and wrap it from your loved one. Make sure to be realistic related to your budget. Financial overindulgence can make things worse.
7. Recognize your loved one's presence in the season. Burn a special candle, hang a stocking where people can place notes, listen to his/her favorite music, and look at photographs. Create a memorial area in your home or at the gravesite for the deceased and decorate it.
8. Write a letter to your loved one expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her now, what you miss, and what you remember. After you compose the letter, you can read it out loud, save it in an album, or even throw it out.
9. Protect yourself from events and gatherings that are too much to handle. When invited to a gathering, ask who will be there and what they will be doing. This is not a good time to socialize with difficult people. Stay away from people who believe you should "be over it by now." This additional stress will only compound your feelings of loss.
10. Take care of yourself. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, the holidays are draining. Eat healthy meals and exercise. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Try to get enough rest. Practice relaxation techniques to help the stress level. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Maintain your hygiene. Do something to make yourself feel better; watch a favorite movie, soak in a bubble bath, or get a massage.
11. Give yourself and other family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays. Don't be afraid to have fun! Take pleasure in the small delights of the season as often as you can. Find something to be joyful about, something to laugh about. Remembering a special time with your loved one may bring tears and laughter while soothing your heart.
12. Remember that the holidays may affect other family members. Keep in mind the feelings of family members and children. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them. Discuss plans with others and make sure there are no surprises. While it is important to share your concerns, feelings and apprehensions, be open to compromise.

Memories, Hopes and New Tomorrows

The pain of grief never completely leaves. Normally, and over time, the intense initial feelings begin to fade. There is no magic date for this. If someone's grief is grossly prolonged, and/or all consuming, or includes suicidal ideation, appropriate medical help should be sought. Medications, individual counseling or a grief support group can significantly help with the grief process. If you know someone who is suffering reach out to them.

Remember that it really is “ok to not be ok”, you are human too. If you are grieving this holiday season, take heart knowing that others have survived the process. There is joy be to be found--look for it. Use your memories and turn them into hopes aimed at many new tomorrows.