In our last article (“When Friends and Family Turn”), we explored a common theme for a lot of police officers – the sometimes harsh impact working in law enforcement can have on relationships – but through a different lens, that of how relationships suffer in light of today’s division between the police and the public they serve, resulting in suspicion, hostility, and conflict between cops and citizens. In the sharply polarized views each side has taken, we sometimes find those closest to us on the opposite side. We see people we care about and trusted openly critical of police and policing, challenging us for what they perceive as our involvement in some systematic repression of marginalized groups through actual or threatened violence, and all without either real understanding of the job or bothering to seek understanding from the cop they actually know. This new reality is especially pronounced in the age of social media. Trust is diminished, affections questioned, and feelings of isolation grow.
In the hurt that accompanies what feels like betrayal it is tempting to push away those you really do want to trust and keep, and retreat into a world of easy acceptance and safety. The downside is that once a relationship is severed it is hard to put back together, and isolation from challenging ideas is actually harmful to us and to the public that only benefits from cops staying connected to the non-LEO world. So how do we stay connected to those friends and family who seem to have sided with the attack on the law enforcement institution?
Just listen
This may feel counterintuitive – as officers, hearing out what you perceive as BS is hard enough in itself, and letting it go without answer nearly impossible – but bear with us. Sometimes people are strongly affected by emotionally provocative images and ideas, and venting allows them to process their feelings. As they do, emotions come down, reason returns, and they are better able to set aside bias in favor of more well-rounded thinking about the topic. In time they will be more receptive to counterpoint, but if you react in the moment you will simply be perceived as defensive.
Empathize
Being empathic is not the same as agreeing, it is merely understanding and accepting what they are experiencing and feeling. It is okay to validate their anger, frustration, fear, or sadness without buying into the beliefs behind the emotions, and doing so reinforces that you are “one of the good ones” (who they most likely really do know are out there in abundance, anyway).
Own law enforcement’s failings – institutionally and of individual officers – when they are clear
Cops have this strange tendency to be acutely aware of when officers close to them (in their own department, or as members of, say, a nearby department that may have a certain unflattering notoriety) are heavy-handed, unfair, disdainful of certain pesky constitutional amendments, or just generally full-bore Adam Henry’s, but will refuse to acknowledge they exist anywhere else in the country. They’ll passionately defend actions they barely understand, of an officer a thousand miles away whom they’ve never met, whose own coworkers might even be energetically distancing themselves from because that guy is their department’s resident jerk-off and what he did to put them on the national news was wrong, and they all know it!
Do not automatically defend what you don’t thoroughly understand, be open to the fact we cops can and do screw up even without malice or when acting in good faith, be willing to openly challenge tactically questionable decisions, and condemn flagrant violations of rights and ethics. It is this openness that builds trust with the pubic, and faith in you and the profession with those to whom you are close.
Be willing to teach
And when family and friends are receptive – and most will be if you practice offering the gift of humility, which is what the top three steps are all about – become their teacher. Explain policing gently and with the understanding yours is not the world they know, that with careful explanation most people can and want to understand it, and that “a soft answer turns away wrath.” If you do it well and with patience you’ll not only strengthen your relationships, you will gain supporters of LE where before there was distrust.
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But what about truly toxic people and relationships?
Defining a “toxic person” is not always easy but toxicity is typically defined in relation to how the individual impacts their personal and professional relationships, or how the relationship impacts the persons in it. We like to use the definition of a toxic person as follows:
A toxic person is one who, by acting out certain pervasive personality traits in the form of habitual behaviors or destructive decisions, consistently creates a serious negative impact on others physically, financially, mentally or emotionally on others with whom (s)he is in relationship.
In other words, the toxic person is one who does everything possible to eventually suck you dry physically, financially, mentally or emotionally, whether intentionally or not. They are poison to others with whom they are in a relationship. These are often long-term relationships, and they may not have always been toxic – people do go through difficult times and may not be on their best behavior in the middle of it, after all – so abandoning them may not be the first or best option. They might be a spouse, parent, sibling, or child, making it nearly impossible to let go of them. In those cases the best you can do may be to set healthy boundaries for yourself, keep limited lines of communication open, and be alert to changes in them that will let you try and salvage the relationship at a later date. Sometimes it is the setting of these carefully guarded boundaries that gives you greater peace-of-mind without totally severing ties
And sometimes it is necessary to simply say “Good-Bye” for good, regardless of the relationship or its length. Only you can make that final determination.
Toxic Relationships RED FLAGS
Together we have come up with Relationship Red Flags we use for counseling or teaching that signal the possibility a bond may need to be broken. The existence of the red flag doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship must or should end, only that a hard look at the relationship is in order. Problems can often be fixed and relationships made healthy but when efforts to fix problems are repeatedly rebuffed or the other person refuses to see the problem (or sees it and still refuses to change), the issues are pervasive and unceasing, or their consequences routinely bleed into and damage other areas of your life with little or no hope for change, then it may be time to call it quits.
The red flags are: Verbal, physical or emotional abusiveness; repeatedly violating your requests, limits and boundaries; dishonesty/lying; clinginess/neediness; malicious teasing, ridiculing, taunting or badmouthing others; doing all the talking and none of the listening; constant favor-seeking (especially concerning for cops).
Of these, three in particular apply to this article’s topic: When a family member or friend, in giving criticism of the profession or you, becomes verbally or emotionally abusive; when a family member or friend, after you’ve set boundaries or limits on their criticism and speech directed at you or where you have no option but to see or hear it, violates those boundaries; or when comments (teasing, ridiculing, taunting, or badmouthing) are malicious and intentionally hurtful. At that point, and if requests to cease are ignored, you are dealing with a toxic person. You know what the antidote is.
These are trying times for cops – and there’s no sign of anything changing in the near future – so it is imperative you take care of yourself emotionally. That may mean taking a different tack with those you care about and want to keep close, even when they have become a “police critic”, and/or recognizing when it’s time to just cut someone loose. Stay safe, and stay healthy (in all aspects of life).
Michael Wasilewski
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
Althea Olson
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
