Editor’s Note: For anyone who might wonder why we post such articles as the following, we’d remind you that the divorce rate in law enforcement is higher than average. We try to publish articles that are not only about the day to day operations of police work, but also helpful / supportive during an officer’s off-duty and family time as well. Read on.
In a March 2014 Psychology Today article (“11 Ways to Tell if Your Lover Loves You”), psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD created a succinct and helpful adaptation of Dr John Gottman’s behavioral approach to provide eleven clues to how your partner feels about you. As she explains, Gottman’s theories go beyond the typical, in which the health of a relationship is usually determined by how the partners feel about one another, to focus predominantly on the behaviors of each partner toward and in relation to the other.
Whitbourne’s focus was providing her readers her eleven clues to gauge the strength of a relationship based on observations of their partners’ behavior. Whitbourne’s “11 Ways…” are, as follow:
- Wants to spend time with you;
- Asks about your day;
- Trusts you;
- Helps you when you need it;
- Shows respect for your views;
- Includes you in decisions;
- Shows affection;
- Looks at you;
- Likes to talk about the past;
- Is willing to go to bat for you and your relationship;
- Makes you feel good about yourself.
Whitbourne’s list is an excellent resource, and we recommend it as a means of testing the health/strength of your own relationship, as far as gauging how your partner feels about you. But let us go a step further and, assuming your husband/wife/partner IS truly your best friend and the one with whom you most want to be as a lover and best friend, adapt it as a self-assessment tool to use measuring your own commitment and demonstration of love. And of course, we will do this through the lens of the reader as a police officer.
Do you want to spend time with your partner?
Of course, everyone wants alone time, or time to devote time to hobbies, interests, work, extended family, and friends, but do you most want to devote the bulk of your time to your most intimate relationship? In healthy relationships, the time you spend together is the most important and desired, whether it be on an exotic vacation or sitting half-asleep, slack-jawed, and silent in front of stupid TV while sharing a bowl of popcorn, or something in between. This a great diagnostic question; if the answer is anything other than a resounding “Yes,” then there may be something wrong relationally that needs to be addressed, or concerns about your priorities in need of examination.
Do you ask about your partner’s day?
And do you really mean it?
Law enforcement – Being the Police – is an incredibly seductive and fascinating role to play in society. Policing is a front row seat to the dark, hilarious, macabre, and illuminating world of human theater, except… you are become a principal actor, improvising through it all, influencing the action in a real-life drama.
It becomes very easy to lose sight of the world outside your own.
Do you take time to reconnect with that world, and the lives of those who aren’t privy to your own backstage experience, by taking a genuine interest in it? Police spouses/partners often lament the difficulty of holding their LEO’s interest when s/he is immersed in human drama, but then they shouldn’t have to compete. In fact, their lives should be more fascinating and personal to you than anything you’ll encounter on the street. Do you not just show interest but actually mean it?
Do you trust your partner?
Seeing the worst of humanity often translates to expecting the worst, even among those we should lean on and trust the most. And being a cop can foster self-sufficiency to the point of skepticism in anyone else, if not held in check. In light of this, do you trust your partner? Showing trust in their competence and capabilities is a show of love.
Do you help out when needed?
Whether with the kids, household chores, in decisions, or reaching out to family and friends in need, being willing to pitch in is a clear sign of love and teamwork. It is also one of those areas most often delegated out and then neglected because, “I give so much already.” But giving despite having already given is a form of sacrifice, and indicative of commitment to something bigger than ourselves.
Do you respect your partner’s views, even when they may differ from yours?
In an era of politics as bloodsport, and differing opinions held in contempt rather than points of curiosity and sources of enlightened debate, are you able to respect and take counsel from the views of your partner even if they challenge your own? This can be particular hard as a cop; LEOs tend to form strongly held and culturally supported points-of-view, fired in the crucible of the streets, and to dismiss those opposing them. Sometimes that dismissal is sharp – harsh even – and throws up walls. But what if your partners is the one on the other side of a debate?
Are you able to not just set aside your differences with respect and love, but even entertain the possibility they might be right? Can you allow an outside perspective to shape your own by considering the lens through which it is formed is as valid as your own? This may seem silly but is the bedrock for relational success.
Do you include your partner in decisions?
Cops are also decisive and firm when it comes to making decisions. The potential for decisiveness is one of the considerations in hiring police officers, and demonstrating it with confidence and accuracy necessary for career survival. Are you able to let go and share the responsibility away from work? It is an easy slide into just taking charge at home, however, and this often leads to discord on the home front. Do you include your partner in decisions, or even defer and trust sometimes?
Do you show affection?
Holding hands, an arm around the waist, running your fingers through his/her hair, or pat on the rump as you pass one another are great ways to show affection and let someone know you care. Non-sexual touch (i.e. affection without agenda) is essential to most relationships but often lost in the passage of time. Do you still show affection no matter how comfortable your or established your relationship?
Do you look at your partner often?
Likewise, simple glances to check in (with a smile or a wink) or smoldering stares to let them know you still find them hot convey affection in a different way. Comfortability often leads to a benign neglect of affection that is easily remedied.
Do you like to reminisce and talk about the past?
Reminiscing and revisiting shared experiences is more than an easy talking point (though there is nothing wrong with that); it forms and strengthens psychological bonds, connects the past to present and future, and builds a shared historical narrative that explains and defines your relationship.
Are you willing to “go to bat” for your partner?
Will you fight for your partner? Are you willing to suit up and ride into battle on their behalf, even if it means putting yourself at peril personally or professionally? Most cops will gladly rush into peril to save or assist a colleague in trouble, but weigh the costs of sticking their neck out for a spouse or partner at home, or even berate them for getting into a jam or dispute in the first place. Are you willing to be their champion (even during those times they might be a little – or a lot – wrong)?
Do you go out of your way to make your partner feel good about him/herself?
The world fires a lot of shots across all our bows every day and it is easy to take them personally and get down. Critics abound and confidence suffers, and no one else really cares all that much as everyone else has their own struggle. Everyone needs a cheerleader sometimes.
Do you not just appreciate your partner but complement them? Do you sing their praises to others? Do you turn to them for their expertise with gratitude and pride? Have you learned their ‘love language”?
Don’t become complacent in the simple act of making someone feel good about who they are and what they mean to you. It is both the most important and most neglected gift you can give.
Police officers give a lot of themselves to their communities and departments, and often feel they have little left over. It is important you dig a little deeper – or even make a bigger priority – for the most important relationships of all. Use these eleven introspection-provoking questions to gauge how much you are demonstrating your love for your significant other, and perhaps adjust accordingly.
Michael Wasilewski
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
Althea Olson
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
