January 2nd is a welcome relief for many people because it is when the holidays are officially over and we return to our normal routines. For many, it signifies an end to a sense of loneliness and even despair that shows up at the start of Thanksgiving and lasts through the holiday season.
For some the holidays represent time with families, friends, and coworkers celebrating everything that is joyous. For others it means spending time with people who are toxic, dysfunctional, and have caused significant pain. And for many it can be a time of having no one to spend it with at all. It can become the most dreaded time of the year.
In law enforcement loneliness can be intensified for officers, spouses, and family members because of time spent apart due to work schedules and the demands of the job.
Even if you are not the one who experiences the holidays with dread, be aware that there are those around you who do. In law enforcement we preach supporting our own so let’s make sure our brothers and sisters are taken care of during this time by asking our coworkers just the simple question of “how are you doing” and then waiting around to hear an honest answer.
For those for whom the holidays are not the season of joy and companionship they are for others, here are some coping skills to alleviate the pain they can bring:
Accept the loneliness
Loneliness can be psychologically damaging or it can be empowering. It is damaging if we do not take action, with research showing loneliness is experienced as the sharpest pain by the brain, seemingly even more painful than a papercut or having a limb severed. It is often translated into how someone defines themselves, through their self-talk, with repetitive internal conversations about how they are a “loser” or a “failure,” and ultimately unlovable or worthless. These thoughts and brain worms lead to depression, anxiety, and social isolation.
Accepting the loneliness means realizing everyone carries some pain and loneliness, even those we perceive to be happy. No one is devoid of pain. Since we all carry emotional pain, have experienced self-doubt and a sense of failure, it follows that it does not define who we are or our value as a person. It is what it is, just a feeling. Feelings change, morph, and evolve and will eventually end so just make it through. The more you fight it or try to make the feeling go away, the worse it gets and feeds the endless conversation in our heads.
Accept Failure
We all have more failed relationships than successful ones. The reason for this is we are all flawed, have baggage, carry hurts, act badly in moments, and are socially awkward. And sometimes relationships simply have an expiration date. There comes a time when we need to part ways for many unforeseen reasons.
Other times we need to walk away because the other person is toxic, destructive, has character flaws that were not present in the beginning or we ignored red flags, or our lives have gone in different directions. When a relationship fails it can hurt to the point of devastation or grief, even when the relationship ending was ultimately for the best. There is wisdom in knowing when to walk away and/or allowing a person who has by hurt by us to walk away with grace. Many relationships last a season, not a lifetime, and it does not make you a failure because the relationship failed.
Self-reflection
As stated above, we all have relationship flaws. It is easier and far better to own our flaws, recognize a pattern of behavior, and change it than to carry the emotional pain of it for a lifetime.
When couples or families come in for counseling, the therapist knows the relationships will succeed or fail based upon each person’s ability to take ownership for how they contributed to the break-down of the relationship, admit their wrongdoing, and effect change. When someone remains stuck in blaming the other person one of the key components of relationship failure is in play. Without self-reflection and willingness to change the chance of a relationship surviving is slim.
It is a good practice to ask ourselves on a routine basis, how do I affect those around me?
· Do they experience me as negative or positive? Am I critical, defensive, or shaming of others?
· Do I celebrate another’s success or do I relish in their failures? Am I one who creates conflict or am I a peacemaker?
· Do I get angry easily and take things too personally?
· Do I often feel others are attacking me?
· Do I invest in others in a meaningful way, or do I let relationships atrophy from lack of effort?
Any behavior can be changed. We all fall into destructive ruts. The only way to get out is identify what hurts ourselves and others, take full ownership of our own flawed behavior, and then decide how to change it.
Set goals
Occasionally we may find ourselves in a strange place relationally. We feel distant from those with whom we’ve been close before, or shed family or friends from whom we’ve reasonably grown estranged; schedules, time, or distance interferes with key relationships and leave us feeling adrift; or maybe we’ve evolved in ways that, even if we still feel the same affection and concern for people from our past, we may no longer live on the same wavelength in ways that leave us feeling fully nurtured. No matter the reason, these strange relational places often create a deep sense of loneliness and overcoming it requires concerted effort.
When we’ve been here setting specific, attainable goals has been invaluable. Action requires focus, and focus is sharpened by specific goals.
The goals you can set are varied and can be highly specific to your personality and desired outcome, whether you seek to reconnect with existing friends and family, build new connections and experiences, or make fundamental changes within yourself. Loneliness – or leaving loneliness behind – is really under your power and control.
The holidays can be a joyous time, or stressful, difficult, and isolating. If your experience, or that of someone you are close to and care about, is the latter, the holidays may be the catalyst for lasting change when pain is channeled into action.
Michael Wasilewski
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
Althea Olson
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
