How to Catch A Criminal: Not the Brightest Bulbs
I bring you this column out of my pure fascination with police work, cold cases, forensics, interrogation, and all things criminal and mysterious. As an active-duty Police Officer, I hold an interest in all cases especially those that bring justice to light in the end. The purpose of this column is to tell the story of cases which were solved by technological advancements, unconventional tactics, dumb luck, and any other manner outside the norm. I hope you find these cases as intriguing and motivating as I do. This month, in honor of April Fool's day, I've decided to cover some the most ineffective and ill-prepared criminals and their total failures to be masterminds. I hope these stories will make you laugh and give reprieve to those who may be in the middle of a tough case that has lead to sleepless nights. I have been there, and have experienced the rush of thoughts about of how and why, drawing any possible conclusions, questioning what is missing and going over the evidence again and again. Perhaps a break and chuckle is what you needed today.
Ted Kaczynski, Christopher Dorner, Dennis Rader, Gary Ridgway. Some of the most intelligent, ruthless, and thorough criminal covered in How to Catch A Criminal. This month, however, don't expect that level of brilliance. The criminals you are about to read about have all been caught. Their stories are not of long, successful lives in crime. They are instead the stories of absolute foolishness and failure. You might go as far as to call them clowns, knuckleheads, or even nimrods. Al Capone, they most certainly are not.
First up, August 2019, Middletown, New Jersey. A group of three women entered the “Bambi Baby” children's store with their toddlers in tow. After a short bit of browsing, on of the future mother of the year candidates folds up a $300 stroller displayed near the front door, and exits with it. Naturally she had a bit of difficulty collapsing the stroller before making her getaway, but that isn't what certifies her as a buffoon. The other two women leave the store with their kiddos, and it appears the heist of the century has been pulled off. However, shortly after, one of the ladies returns to pick up a bit more precious cargo. Minutes after the Baby Bambi Bandit made off with the stroller, she sent one of her accomplices back to the store to retrieve her child. The very child, mind you, the stroller was intended for. You see, baby transportation doesn't do much good without a baby to transport. Its a bit like selling your car for gas money. Two of the three women were tracked down and arrested after surveillance video of the bonehead burgle was shared online. The stroller was returned to the store, and the child, for better or worse, was returned to the mother. The real kicker here: the mommy mobsters were visiting New Jersey from England. Nothing funny about that per se, but the stolen stroller was an English model which would have been less expensive across the pond.
I probably don't need to tell you this, but drugs are bad and cause people to make bad decisions. April, 2012, Multnomah County, Oregon. Twenty-seven-year-old James Tindell decides he is no longer interested in checking in with his probation officer or attending his drug treatments. In 2010, Tindell entered a plea of guilty for a 2009 robbery charge after accepting a deal from prosecutors. Tindell was sentenced to five years of probation and court ordered treatment for drug addiction. After failing to check in with his probation officer in April of 2012, the officer did some digging to find Tindell. Turns out he didn't have to dig very far. Tindell's social media accounts were apparently not set to private, and he didn't keep his thoughts about Multnomah County's justice system private either. Tindell posted crass tirades about the judge, prosecutors, and his probation officer, seeming to imply they were to blame for his predicament. He also referred to himself as “the 1 who got away” and challenged authorities to catch him. Now, generally speaking, when on the lam, you want to keep a low profile. Don't draw attention to yourself, don't share your whereabouts, don't have any interactions with law enforcement. I'm sure by now you have guessed Mr. Tindell didn't adhere to these tried and true methods of avoiding capture. Before long he posted that he was in Alabama, and shared a picture of his girlfriend's sonogram, which included the name of the hospital where she had her appointment. Tindell's probation officer obtained a nationally extraditable warrant, and the self destruction of James Tindell continued. He was pulled over for speeding in Alabama, and subsequently arrested when the officer learned he was wanted. After a quick flight back to Oregon, Tindell found himself back in court in June of 2012. Despite begging for another chance, he was sentenced to two-and-a-half years in prison. Note to crooks everywhere: if you give up your hiding spot, you will be found.
Everyone is familiar with good old Saint Nick, but this next gentleman is evidently no saint. A few nights before Christmas 2017, Citrus Heights, California.; a 32-year-old man, who we'll refer to as the Accidental Chimney Sweep, or AC Sweep, decided to try his hand at commercial burglary. Sweep was apparently a wise man. He decided rather than kick in a door or shatter a window, he would seek a quieter method of entry. He picked out a business that was surely lousy with gifts, goodies, and perhaps even a roast beast, all ripe for the taking. He made his way onto the roof of the closed business and down the chimney Mr. Sweep came with a bound. A short time later a 911 call was placed which drew the Citrus Heights Police and Fire Departments to the business. When they arrived, from the chimney arose such a clatter, so they climbed onto the roof to see what was the matter. Though Sweep didn't have the “bowl full of jelly” body type, he still lacked the necessary magic to slide down the chimney. The would-be Grinch was stuck, and was able to shimmy just enough to reach his cell phone and dial 911. Sweep was extricated from the chimney using the holly jolly jaws of life, and the handcuffs were hung by his wrists with care. For his troubles he got a mugshot (covered in soot), and dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all... the way to jail.
A beloved cartoon bunny rabbit was known to remark that he had taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque, New Mexico. The next young man, also took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, but in a more metaphorical sense. September 9, 2019, 18-year-old Brendan Wysynski decided he wanted to serve his community. Since you're reading about him here, you can probably guess his execution was highly flawed. Wysynski took it upon himself to deck out his own car with flashing red and blue lights and even a radio. To really get that authentic cop look, Wysynski donned a U.S. Air Force cap, a black polo shirt, and a pair of carpenter's jeans (the kind with the loop for a hammer). Not quite an official uniform, but to avoid any doubt, he purchased an outdated Bernalillo County Sheriff's Office badge online and affixed it to his belt. On the evening of Sept. 9, Wysynski set out on patrol and located a vehicle allegedly traveling at 120 mph. Wysynski initiated a traffic stop on the vehicle and made contact with the driver. As he was giving the driver a verbal warning, his days as a pretend deputy came to an abrupt end. When an officer passes one of their brothers in blue on a traffic stop, it is common practice to stop and watch out for the officer on the stop, just to make sure things don't go south. For Wysynski, things went very south. An Albuquerque police officer passing by noticed a very young looking, out of uniform, very unequipped male with an unmarked cop car, speaking to a pulled over motorist. The APD Officer stopped to check on the situation and spoke with Wysynski, inquiring why he was making a traffic stop dressed in civilian clothing, and not even carrying a gun. Brenden first said he was headed to the a nearby courthouse to pick up the rest of his gear when he saw the speeding vehicle and chose to make the stop. Brenden also claimed to have been a BCSO deputy for three years. Surely a three-year deputy would know not to do everything Brenden was doing. The APD officer checked with BCSO and found there was not currently a Deputy Wysynski employed with their agency, nor had there ever been. This raised even more red flags when Brenden later claimed he was not a deputy, and the badge belonged to his father, who was killed in the line of duty. As if the rest of his lies weren't bad enough. Brenden was arrested and taken for additional questioning, where he finally admitted to purchasing the badge online. Wysynski eventually plead no contest to a charge of Impersonating an officer. Wysynski was sentenced to a year of probation. No officer ever wants to end up in the back of a police car or on the wrong side of a set of cuffs, but for Brenden Wysynski, that's probably the closet he'll ever get to a job in law enforcement.
Officer Brendan Rodela, Contributing Editor | Officer
Brendan Rodela is a Deputy for the Lincoln County (NM) Sheriff's Office. He holds a degree in Criminal Justice and is a certified instructor with specialized training in Domestic Violence and Interactions with Persons with Mental Impairments.