For many it is a season of family, festivities, wonder, hope and joy. Multicolored lights twinkle across houses and reindeer pose in front yards. Parents and eager children form long lines to sit on Santa's lap while sucking on candy canes. Decorations and sale signs adorn every store window. Jingle bells and Christmas carols fill the air. Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Holiday movies are in every theater, “It’s a Wonderful Life” and "Miracle on 34th Street" replay in many homes. Families and friends gather around a cozy hearth smiling and laughing. Couples romantically walk hand in hand. Yes, the holidays are bliss for many, but not all.
For countless others it is a time of profound sadness, loneliness, anguish and grief. The holidays tend to magnify the grief experience; feelings are more tender and the pain seems more real. If the grief is new, the holidays can be excruciating. As the holidays approach, those who have experienced a loss may be dreading the experience.
Grief is the normal process of reacting to a loss. It is a universal and unavoidable aspect of life; at some point everyone grieves. As an officer, you know this all too well. You witness grief on a daily basis. When an officer is killed in the line of duty, no matter where in the country, all officers grieve. As I write this article on November 6th, 99 officers have died in the line of duty this year (up 13% compared to 2013). The number of officer suicides is not available, and is traditionally under reported. Officers may also feel grief for the victims and/or survivors of the seemingly senseless deaths they have been exposed to. Additionally, officers experience the loss of their loved ones: family members, and/or friends, and pets.
Grief can include the loss of many other things: physical (life-changing illness or disability), relationships (divorce or break-ups), occupational (termination or retirement), financial (bankruptcy or foreclosure), and social (moves).
Emotional reactions of grief can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, confusion, inability to concentrate, numbness, difficulty making decisions, nightmares, irritability, apathy, loss of self-esteem and despair. Physical reactions of grief can include crying, shortness of breath, muscle weakness, tightness in the throat and chest, digestive problems, dry mouth, feelings of emptiness, disorientation, sensitivity to noise, change in sleeping and eating patterns, an inability to swallow, or illness. And while time eases some or all of these reactions they can return with a vengeance during periods of anniversaries, holidays and stress. Most people acknowledge an increased level of stress during the winter holiday season: obligations, strained relationships, decorating, socializing, shopping, cards to send, financial concerns etc. Add a dose of grief, and the stress can be intolerable.
While you may not be experiencing a sense of loss, of grief; you know someone who is. It may be a friend who lost a parent, a relative who divorced this year, a partner whose son is fighting in Iraq, the father of the 16-year-old who committed suicide, the wife of the fatal traffic collision victim, etc. Please, this season, reach out to someone who is grieving, lend an ear, offer support, perform a random act of kindness, or simply share the following tips on how to survive this season.
Twelve Tips for Coping with Loss over the Holidays
There is no right or wrong way to handle grief during this season or any particular time. However, when someone is grieving it is important that they find ways to care for themselves, as well as learn how to ask for support. These tips are for those who have lost a loved one through death. They can be modified and related to other losses, such as the loss of a relationship or health.
- Plan ahead as to where and how you will spend your time during the holidays. Plan to be with the people you enjoy, doing activities you like. Consider making some changes to traditions, even if they feel uncomfortable; change the menu, eat out, take a vacation, open gifts at a different time or at a different location. This may prevent old memories from opening new wounds.
- Be careful not to isolate yourself before, during or after the holidays. Take any offered support from your friends and family.
- Redefine your holiday expectations and re-examine your priorities. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Decide what you can comfortably handle, and let your friends and family know. Don't over burden yourself with too many chores. Ask yourself if you really enjoy decorating, sending out cards, baking, etc. If the answer is "no," ask someone to share the tasks with you, or just skip them this year.
- Give yourself permission to express your feelings. It is natural to feel sadness and lonely when you reflect on your loss. If you feel an urge to cry, go ahead, tears can be very healing. If you feel like screaming, that can be therapeutic too. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with someone you feel close to. When you are especially missing your loved one, call a family member or dear friend and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some of their memories with you. The need for support is often greater during holidays. If someone wants to comfort you, let them. Some people need to feel they are helping in some way.
- Do something for others; donate a gift in memory of your loved one, volunteer at a shelter, help a needy family, bake cookies for residents in a nursing home, ring bells for the Salvation Army, help a neighbor with his decorations.
- If you do decide to do holiday shopping, consolidate your effort. Shop online or through catalogs. If you do go to stores, go during off-hours, make a list and only buy the items on it. Or, give out IOUs and do the shopping when you feel more comfortable. Buy yourself a special gift and wrap it from your loved one. Maintain a realistic budget. Financial overindulgence can make things worse.
- Recognize your loved one's presence in the season. Burn a special candle, hang a stocking where people can place notes, listen to his/her favorite music, and look at photographs. Create a memorial area in your home or at the gravesite for the deceased and decorate it.
- Write a letter to your loved one expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this time, what you miss, and what you remember. After you compose the letter, you can read it out loud, save it in an album, or even throw it out.
- Protect yourself from events and gatherings that are too much to handle. When invited to a gathering, ask who will be there and what they will be doing. This is not a good time to socialize with difficult people. Stay away from people who believe you should "be over it by now." This additional stress will only compound your feelings of loss.
- Take care of yourself. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, the holidays are draining. Eat healthy meals and exercise. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Try to get enough rest. Practice relaxation techniques to help the stress level. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Maintain your hygiene. Do something to make yourself feel better; watch a favorite movie, soak in a bubble bath, or get a massage.
- Give yourself and other family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays. Don't be afraid to have fun! Take pleasure in the small delights of the season as often as you can. Find something to be joyful about, something to laugh about. Remembering a special time with your loved one may bring tears and laughter while soothing your heart.
- Remember that the holidays may also affect the feelings of other family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them as well. Discuss plans with others and make sure there are no unwelcomed surprises. While it is important to share your concerns, feelings and apprehensions, be open to compromise.
Memories, hopes and new tomorrows
The pain of grief never completely leaves. Normally, and over time, the intense initial feelings begin to fade. There is no magic date for this. If someone's grief is grossly prolonged, and/or all consuming, or includes suicidal ideation, appropriate medical help should be sought. Medications, individual counseling or a grief support group can significantly help with the grief process.
If you are grieving this holiday season, take heart knowing that others have survived the process. There will be joy to be found--look for it. Use your memories and turn them into hopes aimed at many new tomorrows.

Pamela Kulbarsh
Pamela Kulbarsh, RN, BSW has been a psychiatric nurse for over 25 years. She has worked with law enforcement in crisis intervention for the past ten years. She has worked in patrol with officers and deputies as a member of San Diego's Psychiatric Emergency Response Team (PERT) and at the Pima County Detention Center in Tucson. Pam has been a frequent guest speaker related to psychiatric emergencies and has published articles in both law enforcement and nursing magazines.