Most of my readers know that I have been around since dirt. Thirty five years to be exact. I am the old man in the department. The dinosaur (the other names may not be printed - a few the officers hold copyrights to) the one that has seen it all, the one that tells true stories that are to wild to have happened, and the one who has heard it all - not. As long as there are police there will be police stories. They are more commonly known as War Stories.
War stories are common place in police work. Internal Affairs are no different. Only we are actually laughing with the accused; not at them. Sooner or later everyone will screw up. Usually with a little help of a co-conspirator who influenced the officer at the time. The co-conspirator is usually intoxicants beer, wine, Jack (Daniels), or illegal substance. Though humorous in most of the following, the officers were severely punished up to and including termination.
Lost in space
An officer failed to report for duty on several days. The supervisor makes the obligatory phone calls and visits to the home to insure the safety and well being of the officer. The supervisor has no contact with the officer or, his patrol vehicle. A few days later the officer returns to work with an explanation that while on the way home from the end of a tour of duty he became extremely ill and drove himself to a hospital in the state capital (names and cities removed) 50 miles away. He has in hand an excuse from the hospital.
The chief of police becomes suspicious and initiates an investigation. The first thing to raise the scale of suspicion is that the city had a reputable hospital. The investigation revealed that the officer left work and met a girlfriend. She had enough cocaine to keep them going a few days. The officer having never taken cocaine goes on tour with the girlfriend. Three days later, the light in the old brain goes on and he knew he had to come up with a good story. Girlfriend types a fake excuse and has it notarized. You have to admit they tried.
Ghosts
An officer is out on the road in a secluded part of a county. He was the only officer on duty after midnight. He had served in that capacity for many years. He was bored and did not have enough to keep him entertained. One evening the officer puts a call for help in that shots were fired at him while he was seated in his patrol car. The entire state responds, all off duty officers are summoned, and the state investigation unit is notified.
The officer told investigators he was checking a man walking on the roadway. Before he could leave his unit the man pulled a 1911 model pistol from his pants and began firing. The officer slumped into the passenger seat to avoid being shot. After the shots were fired the man flees into a wooded area and the officer chased the man eventually losing him. The officer described the man and that he shot at him with a 1911 semi-automatic firearm. All six rounds are placed perfectly dead center over the steering wheel. Just one problem, no semi-automatic pistol shell casings or shell casings on the roadway or, nearby. The projectiles recovered were .38 caliber. Bullets from the officer’s .38 were checked and matched ballistics. As Bill Engval would say - Here's your sign.
Party animal
One officer loved to party. He was first there and last to leave. There was to be a party one weekend night. The officer was going to be there. However, earlier in the day he and a few buddies were working at one of the officers homes. Beer and Jack (Daniels) were flowing most of the day. The officer, already intoxicated, decided to drive his take home car to the party. He took what he thought was an alternative route - the railroad track would be quicker. Two miles later all four tires are deflated, the front end destroyed, and transmission. He left the car next to the railroad and walked the rest of the way.
He was taken home by one of the designated drivers who had no idea of what transpired. Next day he awakens to find his take home car gone. He did not remember a thing. A report was made and the lookout placed. A train crew found it within hours. Moral of this story if you do something like this at least remember where you left it.
If you can't find humor in your job, find one that you can. Humor keeps the soul alive and you are satisfied in what you are doing. These officers did not intend to get into trouble. Is there humor in their stories? Yes and no, but someone has to deal with them. Internal affairs investigators ultimately have to investigate these matters. Therefore, their stories are just as much a war story as any other officers. Unfortunately, they end with the reality that someone may lose their job. Pretty sobering isn't it?
Randy Rider
Randy Rider has been employed as a law enforcement officer for 32 years. He is still an active law enforcement officer serving in the capacity of training and internal affairs. Over the course of his career he has conducted hundreds of investigations concerning abuse, neglect, and use of force by police and corrections officers.
Lieutenant Rider was elected president of the National Internal Affairs Investigators Association in May of 2005. The association has a members employed in agencies throughout the United States and Canada. Lieutenant Rider is also a national instructor for the Public Agency Training Council, Indianapolis, Indiana.
