Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a sound could be heard but two bickering spouses;
The children were ready for the night to be long,
As Janie curled up with her I-pod, Tommy snuck out with his bong;
And Uncle Ted and Aunt Mabel, drunk and passed out in the den,
Had eaten far too much of the holiday hen;
When out in the driveway there arose such a clatter!
A screech! And a bang! Then the sound of a shatter;
Father stumbled to the window wondering, "Now, what could that be?"
Why, it was only their oldest, the one they had named Lee;
Home for the first time since going off to college,
He came filled with much beer, but not nearly enough knowledge;
"Get in here, you moron!" Father yelled from the window,
"And just look what you have done to my El Camino!"
"No way, Dad, not tonight, I am not here to stay! Just to tell you, 'I hate you!' and also, 'I'M GAY!'
And while I am at it, meet my life partner, Jay."
There was a moment of silence. A brief peace, as snow fell on the wreath,
Then an explosion of shouting! Screaming! A great gnashing of teeth!
"You lie!" shouted Father (though deep down he knew it was true),
"Leave him alone!" cried out Mother, "He is surely confused!"
"You are not my son anyway; did you know your mother is a whore?
When you were conceived I was off fighting the war!"
Now all of the tension and fuss, all the family dissension,
Woke all in the house and grabbed their attention;
Out ran Grandma and Grandpa, and Great Uncle Ned,
Up jumped cousins Ralphie and Mimi (from the same bed?!?!);
"Now see here," shouted Grandma to Father in rage,
"You are a lay about cad, a scurrilous punk,
She would never have strayed if you were not such a drunk!"
"We told her! We warned her!" Grandpa cried, too, "Not to get mixed up with a scoundrel like you!"
And it was right then the first fisticuffs flew;
A cacophony rose as family spilled onto the street,
With shoving and fighting (and Ralphie and Mimi still wrapped in one sheet!)
As blood chose up sides, wine bottles were broken and beer bottles tossed,
Nearly a whole fifth of Jim Beam was tragically lost;
Aunts, uncles, and cousins. Brothers, sisters and more,
Were manning the front lines of an uncivil war;
And as grudges and rage pushed their way to the top,
Fueled by old memories of hurts, and too many "pops,"
A neighbor saw and yelled, "Cripes, this is a big one! Honey, call the cops!"
The cry of alarm was sent over the air, and onto the streets the cavalry rode,
To secure the scene at the unruly abode;
Five city coppers, two deputies, and a trooper named Doug,
Came to make things alright for all the neighbors who were bugged,
There was even ninety-five pounds of barking cop dog!
Squads pulled around the corner, spilling red and blue on the street,
And all of the family with warrants quickly beat feet;
Off ran Filbert and Mort (wanted for missing court),
And second cousin Rex (who had been writing bad checks).
There went step-uncle Eaton (for aggravated wife-beatin'),
And his lady friend Jill (unlawful acquisition of pills);
The flashing of lights awoke young Janie, who pulled out her earphones and tiptoed to the window,
Where she was shocked and dismayed by the chaos below,
For she herself had a tale of woe;
But then Janie thought to herself, "Maybe,
This is not the best time to mention I am having a baby."
Now you might think that the Law could get them to stop,
Instead each turned pent up rage on a cop!
But alas for the family, the cops had enough,
And soon Father was hog-tied and Mother in cuffs;
Even Grandpa had lost all his spunk and his fight,
Thanks to the cop dog and one well-placed crotch bite;
And as they rounded up uncles and cousins and aunts,
They found at least half with contraband in their pants;
Uncle Ted was being tended to for a cut to his head,
Courtesy of a cheap shot from Great Uncle Ned;
(But Aunt Mabel had snuck off and was hiding in bed,
Discretely canoodling with Ted's brother Fred!)
And as the last remnants of pepper spray drifted off in the breeze,
And as prisoners in handcuffs knelt on their knees,
A crusty old sergeant was heard to proclaim,
"Merry Christmas to all as we take you to jail,
And best wishes tomorrow when you try to make bail!"
And may God bless and keep each of you and yours safe this Holiday season!!
Mike and Althea
