I’d like to say that this piece is going to be a totally serious analysis of all the crimes committed by Deadpool in the movie Deadpool, but that would be a total lie. The truth is that having seen it three times and at the suggestion of the editor of Law Enforcement Product News (thank you, Mr. Jonathan Kozlowski), I’m sitting down to count up and comment on all the crimes I could keep track of in the movie. Before I begin, there are several qualifying statements I should make:
First, see that picture? The one of the ugly, balding, glasses wearing, thumbs up guy next to that awesome movie promotional prop of Deadpool? That’s NOT me. And if it WERE me, the “USMC” sweatshirt would not apply. I’m not a Marine. I’ve never been a Marine. I’m an Army dog. If I DID wear a Marine Corps sweatshirt it would be to honor my four brothers, uncle, son, daughter-in-law and son-in-law who ARE all Marines.
Second, I feel that anything written in reference to Deadpool should be written with the same outlook as demonstrated by “God’s Perfect Idiot.” However, I cannot write up a blog for Officer.com and post it full of colorful language (which would be a HUGE understatement in describing the language used in Deadpool). SO, does anyone remember George Carlin’s seven words you can’t say on the radio or television? They go something like this: ****, ****, ****, ****, ****-******, ******-****** and ****. Got that? So, if I wanted to say ANY of those words in this blog, all you’ll see is their replacement *******. I WILL however let slip damn, asshat, chimi-******-changa and several other colorful expletives.
Third, and finally, if you haven’t realized already, there might be a few spoilers here. If you HAVEN’T seen Deadpool and you PLAN to EVER see Deadpool, stop reading now; call out sick at work; go buy your tickets; make SURE you have popcorn and soda and settle in to enjoy a highly entertaining love story. If you HAVE seen Deadpool, try and remember each and every moment… and then read this entry to see if I’ve gotten anywhere close to doing it justice from the criminal analysis context. (I doubt I will, but it’s an AWESOME excuse to go to the movies on the company dime, expense the mileage, the tickets, the popcorn, etc AND get permission from the theater staff to have a light to take notes).
Okay… here we go.
There are FAR too many crimes in this movie to be able to accurately count each and every one of them, not to mention the fact that in some cases the main character commits more than one crime against more than one person. If he commits and assault and battery on one guy and then later kills said guy, is that one crime or two? Do we count this like we do in Uniform Crime Reports where only the most serious crime gets counted? And we ignore all that other **** like it didn’t even happen? Oh, **** no. I did my best to count each and every crime (through my laughter and without choking on my Twizzlers (those will be on my expense report too, boss) ) and the count I came up with looked something like this: WAIT. Did I just side comment inside a side comment? That’s like… two side comments or something. (Not NEARLY as ******* creative as the fourth wall break inside the fourth wall break, but I’m NOT God’s Perfect Idiot and I have to create this **** myself; I don’t have a team of “The Real Heroes” writing my material. Now, on to that crime list…
MURDER: Here’s my challenge – I counted 46 murders we actually get to see; however, there’s a reference in the movie which moves Deadpool’s confirmed kill count from 41 to 89, which means he committed 48 murders in there, and THEN I counted another 14 ******* murders after that! If we use THAT number then there are 62 murders in the movie. It’s worth noting that some of them can be construed as self-defense and some of them are not intended but are side-effects of Deadpool’s other actions. Those could probably be bargained down to Manslaughter.
ASSAULT & BATTERY: I counted 17 assaults and batteries NOT including the nuclear-wedgey Deadpool gave to some poor ****-****** in a crashing truck. In my world, ANY kind of wedgey is definitely grounds for a criminal charge, but if a paid henchman is the victim, is a crime really being committed? I’m inclined to give Mr. Pool (Dead) a pass on that one.
WRECKLESS ENDANGERMENT: Early on in the movie Deadpool commits a few random acts of mayhem that result in several car crashes and at least one bad guy splatting into a highway sign… where he sticks until, with perfect timing, he falls onto a car while Colossus is lecturing Deadpool about the merits of being a good guy instead of a bad guy and the difference. I think a good case could be made for three counts of Wreckless Endangerment BUT… he should NOT be charged with negligent driving. At no time was he actually in control of a vehicle.
THEFT: Three counts at least. That poor taxi driver that he never paid… oh, but wait, there’s a ****-load better crime to be discussed where the taxi driver is concerned: CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT MURDER. You see… the target of that taxi driver’s affections has fallen for his cousin, Bantu. Deadpool counsels the taxi driver on how to solve the problem: it involves kidnapping, torture and murder. He helps him PLAN it… or at least, I assume he did in the parts of the taxi ride that we didn’t actually see. I won’t tell you EXACTLY what happens to Bantu, but… he ends up one broken-**** ******-******.
I should get SOLICITATION out of the way here. It’s only one count and you MIGHT be able to defend it by claiming that SHE referred to herself as “merchandise” first BEFORE he started talking money. That said, I think he gets all the punishment that he might deserve when they later celebrate International Women’s Day. Let’s just say that MOST states still have an (unused) law on the books that prohibits anal sodomy. ‘Nuff said, right? I think he’d add on… ****, ******, ****,**** and some *** ***!!!!
He committed at least one count of BREAKING & ENTERING and throughout the movie he violated laws against carrying deadly weapons. Now, the B&E I think he could bargain down to a lesser offense and, honestly, the carrying deadly weapons violations would be dependent on which state he was in. This is SUPPOSED to be New York so he probably broke the law just by having a **** in his pants, but no one has managed to set up a prosecutable crime for that… yet.
DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY: I only counted five violations of this law but there HAVE to have been more, and there IS the fact that one of those violations completely destroyed a medical lab (if you want to call it that) and another one destroyed a harbor front. I feel like he ought to get charged with more than five counts, but strictly speaking, he only ****** up five times on this one.
And last but not least (on my list) are the eleven counts of DEFILING A CORPSE. I’m not sure this case can actually be made because he doesn’t really do any more damage to them after their dead (but they’re part of his kill count). He DOES use their bodies to make fun of the primary antagonist by arranging them in a certain configuration and, to me, that seems… malicious (read “******-**”). If I were the cop on scene, I think I’d arrest him for it, charge him with it, and then let the prosecutor decide what to do with it. One question HAS to be asked here: “What’s my name?”
Again, if you haven’t seen Deadpool, why the **** not? If you have seen it, why haven’t you seen it again? Oh and make sure you stay past the credits at the end… TWICE.