As a nation, we’ve just concluded one of the most hotly contested and divisive Presidential elections any of us can remember. The rancor between candidates, almost shocking during the primary season and only going deeper and darker for the general election, was reflected by the voters, leaving bitterness in its wake. Beyond simple disagreement, most of what has driven so many arguments, hurt feelings, and even broken family and friend relationships has been how people have communicated with each other in person, over the water cooler, and on social media has been how we’ve chosen to communicate with one another.
Don’t worry, though, we’re not going to dissect the 2016 elections any more than that. Instead, for us and our focus here, it emphasizes the importance and perils of communication for relationships. So now we’ll pivot to our strength and address some of the common communication pitfalls in our most intimate relationships, primarily those between us and our spouses/significant others (of course, looking at those communication patterns in context of other relationships can be extremely helpful, as well).
The problem in most of failing and doomed marriages and relationships is not lack of communication. There is plenty of communication, often with such vigor and enthusiasm you, as law enforcers, are invited over to take part and mediate. Other relationships fade away, dying quietly while both parties communicate with futile desperation. The problem is how they communicate, and the failure is in the words or style they choose.
Psychologist, teacher, and author John Gottman, Ph.D. and his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz have extensively studied marriage and relational stability for four decades at University of Washington’s The Relationship Research Institute and through The Gottman Institute, both located in Seattle, Wash. Dr. Gottman has identified four negative behavior patterns revealed in the communication of failed and failing relationships, which he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Their presence, individually or in combination, are Gottman’s identified predictors of divorce. They are (from The Gottman Relationship Institute website):
Criticism: Stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality (i.e., giving the partner negative trait attributions). Example: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.” Offering criticism can be a loving act, but only if it is given in the spirit of helping your partner improve, and stated in a manner that protects self-esteem and dignity. The problem comes in labeling your partner as the negative attribute instead of addressing how a specific trait or habit affects you while requesting change. That form of criticism is, in essence, trying effect change through shaming or bullying;
Contempt: Statements that come from a relative position of superiority. This is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: “You’re an idiot.” Contempt is so predictive of divorce because it usually comes from a place where the partner(s) has/have already “fallen out of love.” If correction or change is what you seek, this isn’t going to achieve it. Contempt, and the words that reflect it, must simply be removed from all interactions with your partner;
Defensiveness: Self-protection in the form of indignation or victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.” Defensiveness is effective at deflecting unwanted and uncomfortable criticism but usually only succeeds in either driving your partner to using contempt with you, or emotionally withdrawing from the relationship altogether. Instead, when you are feeling defensive is precisely the time to set it aside;
Stonewalling: Emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker. A form of “non-verbal defensiveness,” stonewalling effectively deflects awkward or undesired communication. It also provokes either escalation or withdrawal in your partner. Reflective listening – nods, gestures, words of acknowledgement and encouragement, etc. – demonstrate you are present and listening.
Criticism, contempt and defensiveness all involve active communication but nonetheless are all predictors for failure and divorce. Of them, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce but we need to be aware of all of them and make sure they are absent from our own communication. The wounds inflicted by sharp and hurtful words, coming from someone we love and place trust in for our emotional well-being, can be shattering. When those words are normal and cumulative, they become abuse. Fleeing the source is the only solution.
Abusive words are certainly not unique to any profession. Both genders and all ages are equally capable of cutting to the soul with their tongue. But those of us who work in law enforcement, or are in a relationship with someone who does, need to pay close attention to our words and style. The verbal tactics and skills necessary to succeed and survive on the street might be the very thing that kills your relationship if you can’t leave them at the door at home.
Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are something we should all be aware of and learn to recognize in ourselves. Evaluate the words you use and how you use them with your loved ones. Ask your partner how you do with your words. And make sure the words you do choose will be used only to build up your partner, even when you are rightfully angry, hurt, or disappointed.
As a society and culture, we’ve seen our communication become more confrontational and course. Let’s not reflect that confrontation and coarseness at home, where emotional safety should be the priority.
Michael Wasilewski
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
Althea Olson
Althea Olson, LCSW and Mike Wasilewski, MSW have been married since 1994. Mike works full-time as a police officer for a large suburban Chicago agency while Althea is a social worker in private practice in Joliet & Naperville, IL. They have been popular contributors of Officer.com since 2007 writing on a wide range of topics to include officer wellness, relationships, mental health, morale, and ethics. Their writing led to them developing More Than A Cop, and traveling the country as trainers teaching “survival skills off the street.” They can be contacted at [email protected] and can be followed on Facebook or Twitter at More Than A Cop, or check out their website www.MoreThanACop.com.
