As Tanner Brownlee sits quietly on the bench that is just a few steps between him and the stone forever engraved with his father's name, he makes it very clear what he's thinking.
"I don't like to talk about it," he says politely when asked about how he feels about his dad's murder. "I just don't. I'm sorry."
Tanner was 15 when his father, Weld sheriff's deputy Sam Brownlee , was shot by Reuben Reyes after Reyes led police on a high-speed chase through Morgan and Weld counties that ended in Evans. Reyes was killed at the scene by police officers, but not before Brownlee became the first Weld sheriff's deputy to be killed in the line of duty in 70 years.
Despite the fact that he likely remembers his every thought, his every movement, his every tear of that day in November 2010, only he knows what they are.
Until now, Tanner has dealt with it on his own. But tonight, when Tanner walks across the stage to accept his high school diploma with 200 other Northridge High School seniors, it's likely there won't be a dry eye in the audience at District 6 Stadium, and everyone there will remember their every thought as Tanner gets the diploma that just a couple of years ago seemed like it wasn't going to happen.
"Hey dad, I have something to say. First let me tell you I'm doing great. Family's just fine and so is Chase," begins a poem that he wrote for his graduation announcement. "But that's not what I had in mind."
The poem is the closest Tanner has come to talking about how he feels in the more than two years since he and his brother Chase lost their father. It was written somewhat reluctantly in the beginning at the urging of his mother.
"He won't talk about his dad, but he likes to write and that gets his feelings out," Cindy Price said about her son. "He wanted to dedicate something to his father. A poem seemed best."
As he walks around the fallen officers memorial at Bittersweet Park, which was erected the summer of 2012 to memorialize Brownlee and other fallen officers, Tanner says he is glad that he wrote the poem. He feels a sense of relief and a sense of peace knowing he's shared at least part of his journey to graduation with friends and family.
"Today, I've reached your main goal. At least the one for my life."
That goal -- for his son to graduate -- was something that almost didn't happen, and something that in the weeks and months leading up to his father's death became a constant point of contention between the two.
"We fought about it a lot," he said. "I was not very good at school. There were some thoughts about dropping out. I never got real serious about it, but I did think about it."
Price said she and Brownlee spent a lot of time working with tutors and Frontier Academy officials, where Tanner attended school at the time, trying to get him to graduation. But nothing was working. The rigor at Frontier was just too difficult, Tanner said.
"After so many fights and deciding both you and mom were starting to realize I might not make it through school. Asking if I wanted to be a fool. Guess I tried to be cool."
After Brownlee died, Tanner said he "checked out" even more. He began to fall behind in school.
"I was really frustrated," Tanner said. "It was very difficult. I was 16 credits behind to graduate on time from Frontier, so I left after my junior year."
Despite not wanting to leave his friends behind, Tanner was focused on graduating. He needed to give his dad this one last thing. So he enrolled at Northridge, he said, to ease some of the pressure.
"Then I understood the priority of the rule. If I just make it through. Do what I need to do. I'll succeed in anything."
Tanner had enough credits transfer from Frontier to allow him to finish school at Northridge in December. Price said watching him complete the one goal his father had for him is more than she could have ever hoped for.
Tonight, when Tanner gets that diploma, she said, everything will seem complete, and she's happy her son has decided to share his thoughts with others.
"I am so proud," she said. "I know that's what Sam wanted. Somehow we have fulfilled his wish for his son. I am so glad to see it happen."
Tanner's not sure what he plans to do next, other than find a job in the meantime, but he enjoys writing, so he may look into that down the road.
For now, he simply wants to say he graduated high school and completed his father's final wish.
"So here I stand where you wanted me to. With a cap and gown. I know if you were here I could hear you now. 'Son, I'm so proud.' Proving you wrong is something I hated. But dad, I've graduated."
Copyright 2013 - Greeley Tribune, Colo.
McClatchy-Tribune News Service
