The work of law enforcement officers is complex and it gets more complicated each day. As holes in social services, child welfare and mental health continue to gap wider, officers, particularly patrol officers have to adapt their ability to work in and with a variety of situations far removed from enforcing law. One of the areas that many officers find themselves in is dealing with children. Situations, such as a parent’s arrest, a tragic accident, such as an MVA, or even when the child is the reason for the response, such as being out of control or a runaway put officers in an uncomfortable position. Officers who are parents can often pull from their experience, but even then we can feel inadequate. We are often plagued with self-doubt and fear when dealing with children. I’ve often heard from skilled crisis intervention colleagues, “I don’t know what to say to them.” We can learn to interact with children, whether they are very young or almost to adulthood. We can hold space for them with gentle, non-judgmental support and guidance.
Holding Space
In mental health, the term holding space is not new, but it often is for others in juvenile justice. Heather Plett, in her article, What It Really Means to Hold Space for Someone describes this concept well. “It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control,” she explains. So what exactly can we do as we sit with children in times of stress, while we wait for child welfare or a relative to show up? How can we be with them in a supportive capacity especially if this means we have to have them wait in a non-child friendly environment like a station room? Along with the article mentioned, Plett’s blog outlines some specific tips for holding space with children that can be adapted to law enforcement.
Remember they are sovereign beings
Children are not little adults nor are they completely helpless. They are individual, sovereign beings with their own personalities. It is important to be aware of normal human development but at the same time every child is different. It is easy to fall into the habit of treating young children like they have no ability to make choices for themselves and older children as if they have the maturity to handle any situation. Entering each interaction with an open mind and the willingness to take cues from the child will help you hold space with THIS child most successfully. We will never be in relationship with each one in the same way.
Erase expectation
Along the same lines, we must erase expectations for how a child may react and how they might need to interact with the current situation. Respect differences and allow them to make choices that you would not make. “When we hold space, we release control and we honor differences,” Plett explains. It is important that we allow the child to ask for what they need and create their own boundaries.
Truly Listen
This is a skill that so many of us need to work on in our daily interactions with everyone. Learning how to truly listen is a gift that we give to others. Being able to do this with children, especially when we feel uncomfortable and inadequate can be learned. “Oh how tempting it is to rush in with our wisdom every time our children say things that we understand better than they do,” Plett says. When a child speaks, it is so easy to reach back into our personal knowledge and experience base and tell them what they need. One of the most important things to remember when holding space is that listening, not giving advice is the purpose. Plett continues, “We somehow get the mistaken impression that our job…is to teach our children everything we know from our vast storehouse of experience… but more often than not, what they REALLY want from us is listening and acceptance and love.” She concludes, “Rather than bulldozing over their feelings with your solutions, let them know that their feelings are valid and that it really DOES suck to be betrayed.”
Holding space is not about solutions
Even children need the autonomy to make their own choices. As peacekeepers and peacemakers, it is easy to fall into the habit of trying to fix things and come up with a solution for a child’s problems. After all, this is part of our job when we come into contact with a child. But in reference to relations with the child, we need to be mindful of taking their power away. Allow them to make appropriate decisions. It makes them feel useful and competent. “Resilience, recovery, and adaptability are some of the most valuable skills they’ll need in adulthood and if you don’t let them learn them in childhood, they’ll be much harder to develop later on,” Plett explains. During this traumatic time, give them as much power as possible. Allow them to find the courage within themselves to take risks and the resilience to keep going.
Trust your intuition and wisdom
Holding space with a child doesn’t need to follow some arbitrary rule book. When you really listen and connect with a child, you can feel in your bones and in your heart what this child needs right now. Trust yourself to say what needs to be said, but to also be silent.
Truly protect and serve.
Give children the space to feel safe enough to fall apart without fear. Offer them strength and courage. We cannot do this if we are overly emotional ourselves. At the same time, bring tenderness, compassion and confidence. If you don’t show the confidence that you can handle the difficult situation, the child will have a hard time trusting you. Plett describes this as “a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people.” Holding space is a complex process and we can’t expect to be good at it all the time. What we can do is be mindful of it and soon we will find that we are truly holding space even for children.
