Let’s face it, divorce pretty much sucks in the beginning in MOST ways. And I can tell you from firsthand experience, the level of sucky-ness (I am positive there is a better word for that, but you get my drift) can be compounded when you are night shift working cop! Now don’t you fret, I am here to tell you that there ARE quite a few positives to getting divorced as well! For instance, not being miserable anymore, that’s a GREAT one. I am going to do my best to balance both positives and negatives in this article, along with suggestions on what has helped me through the last year of single parenting.
Create your own traditions
This was one of the most defining moments of the last year when going through my divorce. I thought to myself, “I need to ask ‘He who shall not be named’ what the budget is for my son’s Christmas gifts, and when should we start purchasing these gifts, and what should we get my son this year?” That thought process suddenly screeched to a halt. “Wait a f-ing minute,” I said to myself. Ask WHO permission for WHAT??? Then it really hit me, just like getting smacked square in the face with a Star Wars light saber (my son is really in to that stuff these days and gets a little out of hand at times), KP, GIRRRRRLLL, you are FREE now! It is YOUR family, and yours alone, and you don’t have to ask anyone for ANYTHING! (Cue the “I’m a Boss A$$ B*@!#$” song in the background, because I am REALLY feeling myself and this whole freedom concept).
An example of a new tradition I started with my 5 year old son this year is… drum roll… Christmas pajamas! It took me at least an HOUR to find the PERFECT matching reindeer pajamas online, and I couldn’t WAIT for us to wear them together. When I told my son that he could open a special gift early, he was vibrating with excitement. I watched with gleeful anticipation of his impending joy that was SURE to follow! Both of us grinning ear to ear, I gave him the go ahead to open the present. He tore into the package like a starving animal. I squealed as he pulled the pajamas out of the wrapping paper, “Booyyy!!! Don’t you love them!? Mommy has matching Christmas jammies!! Look at mine!!” His face quickly turns from happy to unimpressed. “I don’t like them, mommy. I don’t like those… REINDEERS on there,” he said with a disgusted tone. Apparently, my son thought there was a toy in the package; not some boring old clothes. I’m going to be honest with you, that little turd almost made me cry. And no, I did not let this minor issue of stupid looking reindeer get in the way. I have since bribed my son on two other occasions to wear the stupid pajamas for my own enjoyment. Whatever… don’t judge me.
Anyway, back to the point: now that you are divorced, YOU are in control of your family, your finances, your timeline (with the exception of working with the other parent for visitation schedules, et cetera), and YOUR LIFE! I am telling you, in this moment of revelation, if I could have run down the street butt naked without getting in trouble, I would have. Embrace this freedom, and the ability to make your own memories with your family, the way YOU want.
Take the help offered from your loved ones
Holiday schedules are already challenging, but add a police work schedule to it, and then add an ex-spouse AND court ordered custody schedule, and you could start to feel the need to pull your hair out. I know a lot of we cops, especially female cops, like to be independent women (insert some Beyonce song about independent women here) but, that being said, you should take the help your family and friends might offer you during the holidays. This might seem like a no-brainer to most people, but for determined cop parents like us, it might be hard to ask for help and ACCEPT the help.
One night a week, every week, my son stays with my best friends, Josh and Ashley. Josh is a cop himself, and his wife, Ashley, has been the wife of a Police Officer for the last 14 years, so she understands the predicament I am in by having to work the night shift. It was hard, at first, to take the help they had offered. But, I know that in this job, there might come a time where they need help with their children, and I will be the first one to offer my help. Also, I can’t and won’t cook, and Ashley makes dinner for me every week when I bring my son to stay, so that is a great reason to accept their help. A girl’s gotta eat, you know! Don’t tell her that I said this, but it’s almost like SHE is paying ME to babysit my child because her cooking is just THAT orgasmic (I am not exaggerating)!
Bottom line, just take the help already, you stubborn people! This thin blue line family is what you make of it, and I am lucky to have picked out the best ones to be my “family.”
Take the time for yourself
I have learned just how important this is in the past year. You MUST take the time for yourself, especially during the holidays. I know, I know - it’s easier said than done. I still struggle with this at times myself. But, if you don’t, you can easily become overwhelmed with the single parent struggle. Find the time to simply rest. The more exhausted you feel, the more the sadness of the holidays might creep up on you, even while you are enjoying your new found freedom.
I’m not going to lie: it was hard for me at first, missing the familiarity of the holidays with the family you had created, and thought would last forever. But, after forcing myself to make time for me, and really taking that time to look inward and reflect on who I am, and what I want for my life and my son’s life, it has become a very peaceful reality.
Your life has changed drastically whether you like it or not. You can embrace the change, and excel, or you can become overwhelmed with the new responsibilities.
