Frank Borelli
Editor-in-Chief
Officer.com
It's that time of year again: Valentine's Day. I remember, all too well, working on Valentine's Day and scrambling around before ending my shift to make sure I had roses to take home to my wife. Oh, yeah... I had to get a lovey-dovey card too. My partner always seemed to know where to find the good deals on roses. He also always made fun of me for the cards I'd get. Apparently I was "too sappy". Be all that as it may, the one thing it took me longer to learn was the true impact a job in law enforcement could have on a marriage.
It's no secret that being married to a law enforcement professional isn't easy. First off, we have rather unique personalities. When you look at the usual scores we get on personality profile tests you see that our scores are well outside the "societal norm". We are NOT normal people. We are the people who run TOWARD the gun shots instead of away. We are the people who stand and fight when everyone else takes flight. We are peacemakers, priests, boxers, wrestlers, UFC competitors (unofficially), counselors, engineers and more. What we sometimes aren't so good at is "loving spouse".
So with all that in mind I thought I'd share a lesson it took me quite some time to learn. In fact, by the time I learned it I was almost ready to retire - so now I try to share it with the younger officers and deputies who are just entering the professsion. DATING a cop is cool and pretty easy. Being MARRIED to a cop is entirely different and sometimes immensely difficult. Why the difference?
Well, think about it: when you're just dating you only see each other as your mutual schedules permit. When you're not actually out on that date you are busy with work, family, friends, hobbies, etc. The point is that you are only focused on each other during your time together. Once you get married - or even just move in together - things change.
All of a sudden your spouse or significant other is all too aware of the amount of time you're not around and are unavailable. That's all time that they can worry - if they let themselves. It's all time that they should fill with friends, family, hobbies, etc but that they sometimes don't as they fall into the rut of sitting and worrying about what's happening to YOU.
Hopefully your spouse / significant other doesn't fall into that category. Whether they do or not YOU need to appreciate the support they offer; the stuff they tolerate; the commitment they demonstrate as they alter THEIR life to put up with YOUR job. Yes, it's a conscious choice they made - but they did that based on their experience dating you. Married reality is different.
All I'm saying is that you need to keep that in mind this Valentine's Day and maybe say
thank you in an appropriate way. I'm not sure that "appropriate" is the cheapest dozen roses you can find or a joking card. Maybe I AM "too sappy" but the cards always said something meaningful and I DID spend the time to select an appropriate one. Just think about it...
Enjoy your Valentine's Day as best you can - and help your spouse / significant other to do the same.
