Law enforcement’s strain on relationships, with its long and irregular hours, unexpected overtime and the unique worldview it fosters, is well known and a topic of our frequent attention. This are true and well-evidenced with close family, of course, with broken relationships not uncommon for those in this profession. It can be even more challenging to hold onto friends outside the law enforcement world, with many if not most officers able to list relationships that have ended after the LE career began.
In most cases old friendships die of the neglect that happens when coordinating schedules and lives becomes too challenging and you both simply stop trying. As we’ve written before:
“Weddings, baptisms, reunions and parties are missed, but you vow to make the next one. Then you miss that one, too. The old gang still gets together for dinner, or drinks, or to watch the game, and still invites you, but you’re working second shift and just can’t make it. Next time, for sure! Pretty soon the old gang is still getting together and inviting you but, by the time you finally do catch up with them, you sense the distance between you or that you’re no longer privy to the shared stories and inside jokes that bind the group together.”
Of course, this isn’t only a law enforcement problem and very common as people grow older, take on more responsibility, have and raise kids while their friends don’t, move to new locales, but it's certainly common enough, and certainly distancing between cops and non-cops whose worldviews are often extremely divergent.
Many officers do put significant effort into old friendships, make time for new relationships away from the job, and are devoted to staying connected and sacrificing to those ends despite the difficulties the job can pose. This is probably more the rule than the exception these days, especially as millennials – a group that has a reputation for valuing and working hard at both family and friendship – have firmly established themselves in the law enforcement fraternity. Still, a lot of even these people carefully invested in will inevitably breach trust with “innocent” or seemingly innocuous questions or criticisms about the police in general, or something you or a colleague did in particular, that can come across hurtfully or cause you to bristle. It doesn’t take much for walls to go up between you and those you’d prefer to stay close to because of the job.
This is all the more true in this time of dramatically increased scrutiny of police and policing, the laser focus of the media on any allegation of overreach or wrongdoing by a cop, and the magnifying effect of social media that has become a near necessity for full social interaction. Cops feel besieged, and no longer only by the media and their harshest critics; now the questions, distrust, and assumption of bias can come from even those you love and are loved by an officer.
As we’ve also written about law enforcement and public perception:
“Police work is one of the most highly visible professions, engendering strong opinions in people who often have only the barest understanding of what the job is truly all about. This meager knowledge notwithstanding, these folks are more than happy to confidently share their opinions about the state-of-policing-today with you and anyone in earshot whether you care to hear them or not. You quickly learn they are not nearly as interested in boring old facts, alternative opinions or theories, legally or tactically sound justifications for what some cop did or said, or even asking your input – theirs is a one-way monologue and you’re simply to listen and nod and take it.”
It has been said of the internet age that each of us carries in our pockets a tiny computer of immensely greater power and sophistication than the systems used to land men on the moon, giving us nearly instant access to the entirety of knowledge accumulated throughout human history, yet we’re as divided as ever and unable to come to consensus on anything. This goes for law enforcement, which has been put front and center in public scrutiny, including controversies and the often uncomfortable and ugly that goes with the job, whether legitimate LE practice or not. That in and of itself is not a problem – public officials and employees owe a certain amount of transparency to the public they serve – but when sides are taken, with individuals usually lining up in line with their preferred narratives about cops (all good, all bad, prejudiced thugs, heroes, etc), and social media gets hold there is rarely a reasoned conversation between sides. When cops find friends and family among their harshest critics, fueled by social media narratives that are incomplete at best, and stubbornly ignorant at worst, the hurt is sharp.
It can be very easy to let go of old relationships that should be fought for, often feeling preferable and easier to create an insular, police-centric world safe from insults and ignorance, but it is limiting and sets the profession of law enforcement even further apart from the communities it protects and serves. It also separates officers from important social and emotional supports that could be salvaged with just a little effort.
We ask you to take some time to think about your relationships and how they influence your emotional health, both positively and negatively. Consider the polarized views of police in 2016, who among your friends and family hold which, and how this has affected those relationships. Our next article will consider how to view and influence those people whose opinions and beliefs cause you hurt, in a way that will hopefully not only salvage the relationship but also help you to become effective at “police apologetics.” And we will discuss toxic relationships, the problems they create, how to identify them, and when it is appropriate to say goodbye.
