7 Ways to Wreck Your Career

Sept. 17, 2014
Why wait years or decades to become that cynical, burned out, angry veteran when, with a few simple steps undertaken now, it is possible to become “that guy” while memories of early and clearly misguided enthusiasm are still fresh?

A few months ago, inspired by the influx of brand new officers hired by my department, and to help brand new cops everywhere, we wrote “7 Ways to Destroy a Marriage.”  Knowing they might need some succinct advice on shattering a good, solid marriage (or any other close relationship they might want to quickly consign to oblivion) we gave seven time-tested tips virtually guaranteed to “get that starter marriage out of the way quickly (and also hand-select personalized emotional baggage to screw with the next one, too)” drawn from the best practices of generations of experienced, cynical cops. 

Well, the new kids keep on coming!  There are two groups in the academy now, and even some laterals hanging around waiting to start field training, so we thought, “What other helpful advice can we provide that will give them a leg up on certain career touchstones?” 

I’d already noticed certain disturbing behaviors among the current new guys, almost all of whom are now out of field training and on their own.  For starters, they are still showing up in roll call on-time, well pressed and polished, and rarin’ to go no matter what ungodly hour it starts or how many lie ahead.  They keep calling ranking officers “sir” and “ma’am” almost like they don’t remember when they were just regular schleps (okay, so they were in junior high when they were regular schleps, but still), or have never heard any of the cool, funny stories about the things “sir” or “ma’am” did “back in the day…” that they’d want crucify one of us for now.  On the street, they’re all compassionate and concerned, giving 110%, and eager to help out any way they can and learn by getting involved.  A lot of them even regularly offer to pick up paper on calls outside their beat… and seem to mean it!  (not such a bad trait, really)

I’ve read some of their reports after being involved in cases they’ve handled.  They’re usually articulate, well-organized, and highly detailed – reports that make sergeants, prosecutors, and other unsavory sorts very happy, but also make defense attorneys urge their clients to just plead out and take a deal.  It hardly seems sporting, and how are we supposed to get any court overtime if no one goes to trial? 

So gather round all your new kids, and have them listen to what they really need to know… seven ways to wreck a law enforcement career, and sooner rather than later.  Why should anyone wait years or decades to become that cynical, burned out, angry veteran when, with a few simple steps undertaken now, it is possible to become “that guy” while memories of early and clearly misguided enthusiasm are still fresh?

For all of you new officers, we offer the following advice:

When seeking mentors, seek cynical mentors

You’ll no doubt meet plenty of hardworking and still dedicated veterans around the department who give it their all day in and day out.  You’ll get to know smart, canny cops eager to share tricks and insights that you could make your own and improve with your own innovation.  Some of these old-timers will work as hard and as happily as they did fifteen, twenty, or thirty years ago.

Don’t get sucked into their twisted world!

Find and hitch your wagon to cynical mentors; these are the ones who really know the score.  Learn all the ways they’ve been screwed over by the bosses – they’ll gladly regale you with war stories from IAU and Human Resources, where the real perils lie – and the shortcomings and treachery of their former friends who’ve climbed to power on the backs of real cops… like them.

How else are you supposed to develop a healthy paranoia?

Dedicate yourself to being “just good enough”

You know what the best cop in the department makes per hour, compared to the worst with the same amount of experience?  That’s right… exactly the same!  Why bust you’re tail like Columbo over there if your paychecks look exactly alike every two weeks.  And don’t be persuaded to work any harder over this “intrinsic reward” or “doing the right thing” nonsense they’ll try to sell you. 

Bitch long and loud when the suck-ups get what you want!

Make sure everyone knows how much harder you work, and better you are, than the suck-ups (you know, the ones who didn’t settle for being “just good enough”) who get the assignments, promotions, and training approvals you want and deserve.  Point out not only why it’s unfair you weren’t chosen but also the shortcomings and past mistakes of those who were – it’s a really good idea to start developing an encyclopedic knowledge of all your potential rivals’ quirks, flubs, and character flaws now, while you are still both new.  You’ll need this knowledge later to soothe your own hurt feelings.

Go forth with impunity, for now YOU are the police!

Being new to this job can be a lot of fun, both on-duty and off.  You and your new colleagues, many of whom will also be newly minted cops, may find yourselves working Noon’s or Mids for a few years, like it or not.  While this can be stressful on personal and family life, if you and your shift-mates stick together you can find normalcy and camaraderie.  Countless young officers have banded together outside work to form book clubs and Bible studies, volunteer together in the community, and offer each other sober counsel to get through the trying and often lonely early years of a police career.

Yeah, let’s get serious… countless young officers have banded together outside work to DRINK.

It’s all good, though.  When you are young and single (or, even if you’re not single you might soon be again) tossing back a few is only natural and a great way to bond.  So bond away!  And remember:  Don’t take any crap from anyone, anywhere, for YOU are the police now; chances are, even if you’ve had a few too many and get into a scrap with someone or pulled over on the way home, you’ll be able to count on that whole professional courtesy thing; and even if things go really sideways and you find yourself before him you and the Chief will probably have a good laugh about it all once he remembers all the crazy things he did when he was a young cop.

Unfiltered Facebooking is Fun!

Have a collection of videos of you knocking back beer bongs in your underwear… six years after graduating college?  Post ‘em! 

Prone to provocative late-night status updates reflecting your sharply clever and “edgy” pontificating on the political, religious, or social topics of the day?  Who’s to tell you what you can or cannot say on your page?

Arrest a high-profile suspect, ticket a public figure, or learn embarrassing secrets about a celebrity living in your town?  If they didn’t want this out for the entire world to see they shouldn’t have come under the microscope of law enforcement, right?

And if anyone calls you on the carpet, display your expertise in current First Amendment case law.  That always works out well.

You've got the badge, now go gather some bunnies!

 You'll soon learn the uniform and badge, and they authority and power they represent, are highly attractive to certain sorts of people.  Often derisively known as "Badge Bunnies" or "Holster Sniffers", among other choice nicknames, these police afficionados (usually women) make quite clear their affection for, and desire to be connected to, police officers.  Now, wives and girlfriends tend to view them with suspicion and low opinion, naturally, and even a lot of the guys you work with may warn you to stay away but, really, what could go wrong?  Most likely it's you and not just the badge and uniform they're after, right?  And most of them probably aren't crazy.  I mean, it's perfectly normal to obsess romantically after a job, right?

But badge bunnies/holster sniffers aren't the only women you'll meet.  You can be the knight in shining polyester for all manner of scared, victimized, rebounding-from-abusive-exes women!  Why not?  You're young, single (or singlish), and free.  What could go wrong?

If you do find yourself in trouble, never ever own up to your mistakes
Even if things do go wrong, you somehow get in trouble, or you find your career stalled and unsatisfying career, that is no reason to ever own up to any personal responsibility or go digging around in search of insight!  You can always try plausible deniability or, if no one is buying it, trot out a handy scapegoat.  Blame the bosses who never gave you a chance, your peers who never had your back, or whatever convenient culprit du jour you can conceive.  
Just remember and repeat often to yourself:  It's not your fault!
 - - - - - - - - -
Follow these seven simple steps and you too can ensure your promising career flounders swiftly.


Or, better yet, just don't.  Don't ever become "that guy”, and know how easy and insidious the slide from promising officer to disappointed cynic can be.

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