Keeping Sex in Your Own Bedroom

Famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey once reported 50% of men and 26% of women had engaged in extramarital sex. Other studies place the rates between 22.7% and 50% for men and 11.2% and 38% for women. While we cannot be certain of the true percentage of people having extramarital sex - these studies ask people to admit to something they are not supposed to be doing, after all - it is clear a lot of married folks are making naughty with people they are not married to!

Sex is one of the most powerful human drives, crucial to our very survival. It is also one of the most dangerous and potentially abused drives. Sex addiction is as real as addiction to alcohol, nicotine, or heroin - the physiologic responses are very similar - and may be even more pervasive. Even short of addiction, sexual desires and attractions can push otherwise cautious people into impulsive, irresponsible, and self-destructive behavior.

In almost every law enforcement agency there are stories of officers and staff involved in sexual indiscretions. Sometimes the stories are urban legend or fuel for gossip, but are often true and the reason officers have earned reprimands, days off, or even early "retirements." "Hookups Gone Wrong" between officers and (pick your favorite) dispatchers, other officers, new recruits, or citizens provide ample opportunity for cops to have uncomfortable conversations with both IAU and their spouses. Downloading internet porn on department computers and good old-fashioned sexual harassment are also perennial favorites. We think it would be hard to find an agency that does not have an incident of sexual misconduct. For this article we are not going to focus on why it happens, but on how to safeguard your personal relationships by preventing it from happening to you.

In our last two articles (linked below) we focused on improving your sex lives with your partner. In keeping with that theme, we are going to provide guidelines to help you identify and avoid the pitfalls of having an emotional or physical affair with someone other than your partner.

Define Cheating

A basic, but too often neglected, relationship talk is one where both partners define and agree upon what would be considered cheating. Is it as simple as flirting? Is porn ok? What about physical touch? Some couples are very conservative and others liberal in their views on this topic. Some consider flirting a form of cheating while others practice open relationships. It is not our goal or role to define "cheating" for anyone else; that needs to be defined by each couple, whose goal is to come to a mutually agreed upon definition so it is known which lines not to cross. If your spouse is more "vanilla" in their sexual attitudes, while you are more "banana-split with latex and handcuffs," a good rule of thumb is to adhere to the more conservative view in order to keep the relationship intact. Let your partner sample other flavors at their own pace.

Never say "Never"

Your marriage is strong, you are perfect for each other, and no one could ever come between you and your spouse. You might even say you are "soul mates." You would NEVER have an affair.

Okay, maybe, but just to be on the safe side, learn to think tactically about your marriage as you do about your job. Prepare for the worst, expect the unexpected, study and know your environment, and never let your guard down. Like police lives, police marriages are in the most danger in moments of complacency.

Understand the Allure of the Badge