Last month's article (linked below) focused on challenges cops face in the bedroom. When Althea sent in the article to our Editor, Frank Borelli, she asked him to make sure we didn't use the word "spouse" unless we were referring to ourselves. Frank promptly emailed back and asked why Althea was concerned about this to which she replied it's rumored that some officers have sex with more than just their spouse and we didn't want to offend anyone. This month we are going to take a different approach by focusing on how gender differences can impact a couple in achieving a healthy partnership in the bedroom.
One of the most commonly heard statements from couples is the man saying he would like more sex, daily or several times a week, while the women is saying "He wants it again? We did it six months ago. Isn't that enough?" The difference in frequency and sex drives can cause conflict in couples. Men often feel rejected when a women says "not now" and can internalize this as "she doesn't love me" or "she doesn't find me attractive" if he perceives her "no" as shutting him out. Women can become angry and demoralized if they feel hounded or pressured. Part of having a mutually satisfying partnership in the bedroom is talking about our libidos. Talk about and learn to work through the differences, and be careful not to personalize your partner's responses. Instead, respect their individuality.
Each gender approaches sexual contact differently. In general, men are more ready to go at a moment's notice, much like a Porsche; whereas women's bodies are more like a car engine on a cold winter's day. When given the time to warm up, they respond nicely, but without the proper start up time, a woman's body is like car with a dead battery. Men are stimulated by what they see and then are ready to go. Much foreplay isn't needed. For women, foreplay starts hours before they get into the bedroom and may not require any physical contact. It starts with cleaning the dishes after dinner, giving the kids a bath, or a phone call while you are at work to find out about her day. It's the words and tone of voice a man chooses that demonstrate love, care, and concern. Then it moves into the physical contact that is soft, gentle, and cognoscente of the rev of her engine. Get to know what each other needs to start your engines.
One of the most challenging aspects of male/female relationships is how they feel loved. Women need to feel loved, respected and valued outside of the bedroom before they want to go inside the bedroom. Men need to feel loved inside the bedroom before they want to participate in the relationship outside the bedroom. Women feel loved when their partner puts time and effort into them through friendship, communication, helping out around the house, and by being romanced. If the relationship is filled with anger and tension, women will not produce the chemical reaction necessary to feel aroused by their partner. Men are the complete opposite since they feel loved by the physical act of sex with their partner. When men feel rejected they often become less willing to meet the women's needs that will get her into the bedroom. It's a destructive cycle that is common in many marriages since men and women's needs are polar opposite. If you desire greater intimacy, ask yourself what I can do to make my spouse feel more loved.