Love grows and changes.
A beautiful and frightening statement. Love is a lot like Choose-Your-Path novels where you get to a certain point and have to make a choice. Ok, I'm faced with a fire-breathing dragon. Do I A) Scream and try to run wearing ridiculously high heels falling several times? Or, do I B) Whip out my sword and fight back?
Much like in a novel, especially those written by the romantics, it's too easy to expect love to be something that happens between two perfect people who are perfectly compatible. As the years go by, nothing changes. Both people remain romantically in-sync by remaining individually the same. I expect this isn't reality for most of us. So, what does real love look like? How can a healthy, realistic relationship be nurtured for a life-time? Most important, how do the unique qualities of working in law enforcement fit in? A look at three stages of love can help people remain realistic and optimistic about finding and keeping love in their lives.
Stage 1: Romantic Love
This stage is amazing. Also called the infatuation stage, this stage is a time of sheer ecstasy. Often spontaneous and passionate, when a person is in this stage they feel happy, energized and alive. You do all the little things and are on your best behavior. None of your partner's needs or wants are too small for you to try and fill. Once, when my husband and I first got together, I finished my regular third shift in dispatch and was getting ready to do a double on first shift. He worked third shift in patrol. I typed him and told him all I really wanted in life was a donut. It was a sort of joke between us with him being a cop and all. I didn't think about the request again. About an hour after he got off shift, the dispatch room door opened and in he burst, still in uniform, wearing a Krispy Kreme hat and holding a box containing 12 freshly made donuts for me. What made this extra special is that the dispatch center was no where near the station or our house.
Romantic love is about how you feel. Your body is full of positive energy and your brain flooded with endorphins. You're literally high on love. Sexual energy is at an all time high also. For me, that first time my husband came in the door in uniform... ok, I won't go there.
Many people try to spend as much time with each other during romantic love as possible. The length of this stage varies and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. Most wish it would last a lifetime.
The downside of this stage is that both people are on their best behavior and when less-than-desirable traits do exist you're more likely to ignore them. At this stage, neither really knows who the other person really is. When you start to let your guard down and let the other person get to know you, that's when you move into the next stage.
Stage 2: Power Struggle
The power struggle stage is one of the hardest because it's when you start to notice the other person is... well, a person. He or she is human with all the inherent flaws and not-so-awesome qualities you overlooked during the infatuation stage. Troubled, but necessary, this stage is an adjustment and part of the development of a relationship. Love requires work. If we were to meet up with Cinderella and Prince Charming a few years into their marriage, I doubt it would be at another ball. It would probably be in the lobby of a therapy office. This stage might come on gradually as you feel more and more restless and dissatisfied or it might explode all of a sudden. The onset might be very different for each partner. What you both do have in common should be the desire to work through this stage and move past it. Essentially, you must both have the same love story.
Some common triggers of relationship problems are
- personal habits
- lack of communication, and