I Ain't Talking to no Stranger

Early in our engagement, my husband and I found ourselves struggling with some issues we just couldn't seem to work out together. We didn't seem to have a problem communicating; we both are very articulate people. We seemed to have an issue hearing each other. We had a problem listening. I am fortunate to have a partner who didn't have an issue seeking help from a professional. After a few months of counseling, the third party perspective got us back on track.

My husband and I are not unique, either in our relationship struggles or in benefiting from counseling. A friend of mine who had been married to an officer for almost 20 years told me they had sought assistance three different times. Seeking counseling probably made the difference between being happily married and joining the sad statistics of law enforcement divorces.

Often couples seek counseling when their problems have mounted to the explosion point. Anytime you are in a relationship, you should keep in mind that counseling is not just to patch holes. Most couples can benefit from professional advice prior to and during their marriage. Seeking out pre-marital counseling can assist a couple in working on issues such as communication and addressing needs and wants you may have never thought to discuss. Many pre-marital counselors have questionnaires each of you fill out and then talk about. As scary as that is, it's better to know before you say, "I do."

Like premarital counseling, couples should be familiar with counseling during their marriage for maintenance. Dr. Lynn Mabe, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in law enforcement, recommends couples make contact with someone as a reference when things are going well. By doing so, if a problem crops up, the couple already has someone they trust. Also by having a few sessions while things are going well can assist in keeping lines of communication between the spouses open and helps each see the other's side of things. But, even when things get bad, there can be hope with the right counselor.

Law enforcement work is unique. This translates to specialized problems within their relationships. Due to this, an understanding of law enforcement is essential as the most desirable trait in a counselor. "There are parts of what they do that the police try to shut out and shut down," Mabe says. "Counseling opens everyone's eyes to different things." Understanding how many officers internalize their occupation can assist a counselor in creating a program which allows the couple to learn to communicate more effectively with each other. Some law enforcement couples are comfortable discussing every aspect of their job from the dirtiest, most dangerous call, while others prefer to leave work at work. The important thing is that each person has the same understanding so neither feels left out of the other's life.

The second thing a counselor can do for couples is normalize the law enforcement experience for both parties. "Coming to a dual understanding of each other's perspective and by merging the civilian and the sworn world can benefit," Mabe explains. With an understanding of law enforcement, the counselor can help the couple understand the unique emotional responses, such as hypervigilance.

When a law enforcement couple seeks a counselor, many options are available. Different types of counseling exist, including traditional face-to-face, telephone and on-line. Whichever type a couple chooses, there are several steps to finding a counselor each person is comfortable with. Some people believe counseling might actually hurt the marriage. When asked if it can, Mabe responds, "Sure, if you go to the wrong person especially in dealing with law enforcement."