Last month's article (linked below) focused on challenges cops face in the bedroom. When Althea sent in the article to our Editor, Frank Borelli, she asked him to make sure we didn't use the word "spouse" unless we were referring to ourselves. Frank promptly emailed back and asked why Althea was concerned about this to which she replied it's rumored that some officers have sex with more than just their spouse and we didn't want to offend anyone. This month we are going to take a different approach by focusing on how gender differences can impact a couple in achieving a healthy partnership in the bedroom.
Frequency
One of the most commonly heard statements from couples is the man saying he would like more sex, daily or several times a week, while the women is saying "He wants it again? We did it six months ago. Isn't that enough?" The difference in frequency and sex drives can cause conflict in couples. Men often feel rejected when a women says "not now" and can internalize this as "she doesn't love me" or "she doesn't find me attractive" if he perceives her "no" as shutting him out. Women can become angry and demoralized if they feel hounded or pressured. Part of having a mutually satisfying partnership in the bedroom is talking about our libidos. Talk about and learn to work through the differences, and be careful not to personalize your partner's responses. Instead, respect their individuality.
Foreplay
Each gender approaches sexual contact differently. In general, men are more ready to go at a moment's notice, much like a Porsche; whereas women's bodies are more like a car engine on a cold winter's day. When given the time to warm up, they respond nicely, but without the proper start up time, a woman's body is like car with a dead battery. Men are stimulated by what they see and then are ready to go. Much foreplay isn't needed. For women, foreplay starts hours before they get into the bedroom and may not require any physical contact. It starts with cleaning the dishes after dinner, giving the kids a bath, or a phone call while you are at work to find out about her day. It's the words and tone of voice a man chooses that demonstrate love, care, and concern. Then it moves into the physical contact that is soft, gentle, and cognoscente of the rev of her engine. Get to know what each other needs to start your engines.
Feeling Loved
One of the most challenging aspects of male/female relationships is how they feel loved. Women need to feel loved, respected and valued outside of the bedroom before they want to go inside the bedroom. Men need to feel loved inside the bedroom before they want to participate in the relationship outside the bedroom. Women feel loved when their partner puts time and effort into them through friendship, communication, helping out around the house, and by being romanced. If the relationship is filled with anger and tension, women will not produce the chemical reaction necessary to feel aroused by their partner. Men are the complete opposite since they feel loved by the physical act of sex with their partner. When men feel rejected they often become less willing to meet the women's needs that will get her into the bedroom. It's a destructive cycle that is common in many marriages since men and women's needs are polar opposite. If you desire greater intimacy, ask yourself what I can do to make my spouse feel more loved.
Communication
Men, if you want good sex then give good communication. For women, talking is more important than sex for this is where intimacy is achieved. When a couple has been together for awhile, and especially if they have developed a family together, communication becomes more like a business meeting than it does an actual conversation. Couples focus on what needs to get done around the house, errands that have been neglected, and how the kids are going to get to karate practice. The conversations begin to feel negative, dull, and unimaginative. When couples first date they are intentional about getting to know the other person by sharing dreams, goals, and hopes for the future. They also spend time sharing their days and asking questions that show interest in one another. As couples build a life together and their lives are filled with responsibilities, the fun communication gets lost. Men, if you want a better sex life, spend time getting to know her again by asking questions about her day, hopes, and dreams. Give her positive feedback and refrain from anything that triggers tension. Good communication for women is an aphrodisiac.
Women, if you feel your husband is not responsive to your needs in the bedroom, start evaluating if you nag too much. Men feel criticized by nagging, which is internalized as rejection, and will cause them to retreat and isolate. Is what you feel compelled to nag about all that important? If it is, then it is time to sit down and have a serious talk about it. If not, it may be time to just let it go.
Men, be careful not to be critical or demoralizing. Use words and actions that build your partner's self-esteem and make her feel valued and loved. Remember, foreplay for your partner starts when you are not even aware of it!
And if you are a police officer, regardless of whether you are a man or woman, do not take the job into the bedroom (unless it is some sort of mutually agreed upon fantasy-role-playing thing). On the job you need to be assertive, tough, no-nonsense, and often confrontational. These are crucial attributes for the street but, if you practice them at home, they can cause serious problems in your relationships and in the bedroom.
It is well known that a career in law enforcement can have detrimental effects on relationships and intimacy. By paying heed to the above points, you can increase the level of intimacy and the quality of your sex life.
